Full Speed Ahead

Life seems to be moving SO quickly!  Graduation is less than 7 weeks away and its going to be a whirlwind for the next 6 months (at least!).

There's a job I've been hoping for... I should find out this month if I have the job.  And by the time this happens, I'll be in the last few weeks of classes!  After all, there are only 5 weeks left!  I think the easiest way to talk about it is in a simple time-line...

• As of today, I have 5 weeks of classes left!
• May 7th begins a "week" of finals (though I really only have 2 or 3 finals!) 
• May 13th begins Senior Retreat
• May 18th - GRADUATION and my 29th birthday!
• May 20th - I leave for UGANDA!
• May 22nd - June 11th - I'll be in Uganda
• June 11-12th - 23 hours in LONDON
• June 12th - arrive back in Portland
• I'm thinking it will be a week or so to recover from jet lag and "process" everything I had experienced in Uganda and London

Then, if I get the job I was hoping for, I will be starting work on July 1st (technically... the 1st is a Sunday, so I'll actually start on the 2nd).  And if I get that job... I'll be walking into a whirlwind!  But, for now, its just an "if" so I'll leave it there.  Besides, I think this is enough to process!

I'm truly praising God and praying for strength, endurance, and clearness of mind as I strive to grow closer to God during this busy time of life!

I smile at the future

If, 5 years ago, someone had told me what my life would be like now... I would have cried.  If they had told me how content I would be (and am), I would have looked at them like they were crazy and done everything in my power to change the course.

Maybe someone did tell me.  If so, I probably looked at them like they were absurd and thought I'm glad they don't control my future.

But, here I am.  And you know what?  Its not at all like I thought it would be, but I'm content.  I smile at the future, knowing God has good things for me.  I peer at the horizon and, while I don't know what's out there, I can see the silhouettes and I find myself thinking That looks fun... exciting... attractive...


I may not know the details, but I still smile knowing that everything is good.  And will be good.

sliding

Once I stood
now I am slumped
in a pile near the floor
leaning against the wall

I crumbled
then was picked up
by well-meaning friends
and leaned against the wall

Slowly I slid
sliding down the wall
till I became a pile
on the floor against the wall

The Love of Friends

This week has been very rough.  But survivable thanks to the love of friends.

I've received so much love and support over the past few weeks and it has been a blessing to continue to have friends rally around me.  Last night I met two friends at Pied Cow (a very Portland-y dessert and coffeehouse).  One commented how the majority of people allow others (often including themselves) one month of mourning before its time to get back on your feet.  But it often takes longer than that.  She then encouraged me to take my time.

The imagery she gave me was beautiful... A friend of hers had an engagement called off a few years before.  At one point, she saw the friend heaped on the floor crying.  Well-intentioned friends would come by, grab an arm and try to pull her back up.  Walking away, another friend would come by and do the same thing.

But what none of them saw was that Jesus was on the floor with her.  He was holding her, sobbing with her, stroking the hair back from her face, and drying both their tears.

Wow.  I had begun to think that God was silent.  But He is on the floor with me, crying with me.

As another friend commented earlier in the week, I do not just have a wound... I have a scar re-opened.  Its going to take time to heal.  But I am thankful for the love of friends who are giving me time (at least for now) to go through the healing process and to mourn.

Rejection isn't rejection when...

Rejection isn't always rejection.  It may feel like rejection when someone turns their back on you... someone you thought was a friend or wanted as a friend... But sometimes friendships (or relationships) don't work out for other reasons.  So here are the rules for rejection...

Rejection isn't rejection when...

...they never knew you.  Its true: sometimes, people don't give us a chance.  A friendship or a relationship never gets off the ground.  So, if they walk away... they're not rejecting you.  They can't reject you if they never knew you to begin with.

...its more about them than it is about you.  This means they leave the friendship or relationship because of their own issues - fear or their own psychological disorder or whatever.  In this case, they're not rejecting you.  They might be rejecting everyone.  It might look like you're the only one they're rejecting, but if its because of their own issues... they would have rejected anyone who held the role you had in their life.

...the person doing the rejecting is an asshole.  The definition of asshole?  "a stupid, mean or contemptible person... a worthless and annoying person."  Face it: you're better off without them.

Waiting

I hate waiting.  And in all honesty, I don't know anyone who enjoys it.  (If you do, there's something wrong with you!).

Today I am waiting for my boyfriend to figure out what time we're meeting up so we can go ice skating.  I'm even waiting to see if that's still the plan.

This week I'm waiting to hear something from my job.  Its temp-work, so I'm constantly waiting for a phone call from them.

This month I'm waiting for.... well, I guess its not really waiting.  But I'm waiting for my Summer classes to be over so I can actually enjoy part of my Summer!

This year I am waiting for graduation.  Again, its something I have to work towards; and next Summer I will get to fully enjoy my Summer.  Or start a job, in which case I'll be working.  Either way.

There's something about waiting that can be so frustrating.  It means that something - or a lot of things - are out of my control.  But not everything.

Today I can get ready for my day and do some productive things until its time to go meet up with my boyfriend.

This week and this month I can work hard on my Summer classes so that I have time for work and can enjoy Summer sooner.

This year I can (and will be) working very hard to ensure I graduate in May - a full year early!

So, what are you waiting for?  And what tasks does God have for you in the meantime?

Being an auntie

I absolutely love my role as an aunt.  I enjoy my time with the three kids I get to call niece and nephews.  I love going to visit, laugh, and play.

But this week I get a brand new experience as Auntie.  My oldest nephew has been visiting Nana and Papa and then came to visit Grandma and Grandpa (my parents) last week.  It has been a lot of fun hanging out and playing with him while he was in town.

But today was entirely new.  While he went to the Children's Museum with Grandma and Grandpa, I did loads of laundry and packed both mine and his bags.  Tomorrow, I will take him home.  While it is not a very long flight (about 8 hours, including our lay-over), its a different experience traveling with someone, packing for him, and taking care of him.

While I am excited to one day become a parent, I thought parenthood was something I was completely unprepared for.  But taking care of my nephew, watching out for him, packing for him, and cooking and baking for him has shown me that I am more prepared than I thought.  Not to jump the gun or anything, but this has made me realize on a new level that... I am ready to be a mommy!

(That is not to say that motherhood is coming - it most definitely is not!)

The Love Dare

I am contemplating trying out The Love Dare.

My boyfriend, Matt, has been in Mexico since the 1st and will be returning at the end of the month.  Being apart for a month is - well, interesting.  I am not sure how to describe it.  We hit a really rough spot right before he left and not being able to communicate has been challenging.

But it has also been good.  I've had time to reflect on myself and our relationship and I'm realizing that I'm not a very good friend.  Being a good girlfriend can be far too convoluted, so I try not to make any evaluations on that level.  Expectations vary far too much.

But after reading this blog I realized that if I want to move towards marriage in this relationship (and I do), I need to be a better friend.  And Hyatt's advertisement for a best friend brings out several of my shortcomings as a potential mate.

Enter The Love Dare.

I had already been thinking about this book for a few weeks and in reading Hyatt's article I realized that I need some assistance in becoming a better friend.  While The Love Dare is focused on helping marriages improve, many of the Biblical concepts presented can apply to all sorts of relationships.

But I still worry.  When it says "Love is patient" I find I have a small doubt which asks but how long will I have to wait?  There is a delicate balance between taking the risk in a relationship which allows the opportunity for love to grow and protecting myself by evaluating if this relationship is worth the risk.  I don't want to put my whole heart into a relationship with someone who doesn't reciprocate.

Am I selfish?  Where is the Biblical response to this?  As far as I know, there isn't a clear response because ancient methods of courtship were designed to handle this balance for us.  But in today's society, how do we strike the balance... and is there a Biblical response?

I suppose I should wrestle with this a little more before I decide whether or not to give The Love Dare a try.

(Also, as a disclaimer, in glancing through the different "dares" throughout The Love Dare I realize that there are some dares, such as initiating sex with your spouse, which I would not do.  The Biblical principles involved with those dares are clearly designated for marriage relationships only.)

An end... A beginning

Life is full of endings.  And beginnings.

This week we had a final team dinner with our Commuter Life Team for this year.  Interviews for next year's team were completed almost two months ago, and I am excited for next year.  But watching these friends finish their time at Multnomah and launch off to new beginnings is a bit surreal for me.

My boyfriend is among the 2011 graduates.  Watching him finish his final assignments this week I keep thinking one word: done.

Done?  Jealousy has certainly crossed my mind.  In one sense, I am eager to be done with homework and deadlines and return to the life of the 8-5.  I miss having evenings open - wide open - to read, watch TV, or hang out with friends (or my boyfriend).

Yet, in the midst of that jealousy I sense a few other feelings among my friends.  These feelings can probably boil down to one word: bittersweet.  I can see that they will miss spending all day, every day, with their friends - even if that is in class and studying in the library and pushing earbuds into their ears in an attempt to drown out the noise of the dorms.  I can see that they will miss the mental stimulation brought on by constant learning.  And I can see that they will miss knowing "what's next" and that any difficult classes will be over soon (the "I just have to make it through finals mentality).

So, as I face 2 more days of classes and 2 more days of finals, a week off and then Summer classes, I hope to keep these things in mind.  Yes, this may be emotionally and mentally draining, but there is something to be enjoyed here which I might soon miss.

A Bundle of Joy

This afternoon, I had the pleasure of visiting one of my best friends at the hospital and meeting her day-old son.  Titus was, of course, precious. 

It was a joy to hear her express the experience of giving birth to me.  I had the privilege of being in the room when my niece was born five years ago.  Hearing the description of Titus' birth just reminded me how vastly different the experience can be for different women.

Holding Titus (after he came back from "testing"), I was amazed at the bundle of joy in my arms.  His skin was absolutely beautiful.  His expressions were adorable as he reacted to voices and lights around him. 

I enjoyed the few minutes I got to hold him.  And I look forward to being a part of his life.  I am excited to watch my friend enter into motherhood and am eager to see her grow and experience all there is to experience in raising a little one.  I smile at the thought of him scooting along the floor 8 or so months from now...

Yes, he is a bundle of joy.