Full Speed Ahead

Life seems to be moving SO quickly!  Graduation is less than 7 weeks away and its going to be a whirlwind for the next 6 months (at least!).

There's a job I've been hoping for... I should find out this month if I have the job.  And by the time this happens, I'll be in the last few weeks of classes!  After all, there are only 5 weeks left!  I think the easiest way to talk about it is in a simple time-line...

• As of today, I have 5 weeks of classes left!
• May 7th begins a "week" of finals (though I really only have 2 or 3 finals!) 
• May 13th begins Senior Retreat
• May 18th - GRADUATION and my 29th birthday!
• May 20th - I leave for UGANDA!
• May 22nd - June 11th - I'll be in Uganda
• June 11-12th - 23 hours in LONDON
• June 12th - arrive back in Portland
• I'm thinking it will be a week or so to recover from jet lag and "process" everything I had experienced in Uganda and London

Then, if I get the job I was hoping for, I will be starting work on July 1st (technically... the 1st is a Sunday, so I'll actually start on the 2nd).  And if I get that job... I'll be walking into a whirlwind!  But, for now, its just an "if" so I'll leave it there.  Besides, I think this is enough to process!

I'm truly praising God and praying for strength, endurance, and clearness of mind as I strive to grow closer to God during this busy time of life!

Responsibility

Strength Finder informed me a year and a half ago that I have the strength of "Responsibility."  This is no surprise to me and probably not to those who know me, either.  It makes me reliable to those who need me.  It also makes my life extremely chaotic.

Anything I do, I want to do well.  I also do not want to let down or disappoint those who are relying on me.  As a result, even when I am over-committed, I find myself pushing through.  If I back out of a commitment, the task now becomes a burden to someone else.

Enter Fall 2011.

I am working three jobs, taking 14 credits, auditing an additional 3 credits, involved in ministry at my church, participating with a chapel worship band, working out 3 days a week, meeting weekly with 2 individuals (not counting the 6 mentor meetings which I have as a part of one of my jobs), and trying to take care of my physical and social lives as well.  Something has got to give.  I barely have time for homework.  One friend observed today that they have not seen me working on my homework once since school started 3 weeks ago; instead, I'm working on grading everyone else's (that's my other 2 jobs).  His statement was pretty accurate.

So now comes the time when I let someone down.  I say 'no' to something.  I might even back out of one of my commitments.  This stuff kills me.

Crying like Crazy

I'm not sure why, but my emotions have been absolutely crazy for the past week!  I've been crying at the drop of a hat.  Its been insane.  And rather annoying since I'm not typically an emotional person!

On another note, I've found a renewed glimmer of hope for my health.  I have an MRI scheduled for Thursday morning and there's a surgeon I will meet with after the MRI images have been read by the radiologist.  I just hope this doesn't end up leading to more tears!

A question to ponder...

I am currently reading Milton's Paradise Lost.  In Book 9, we receive the narration of the fall - the deception of Eve and Adam's decision to eat the forbidden fruit.  (I carefully craft that, for, according to Milton, Eve is deceived and Adam is not, but instead willingly chooses to partake of the fruit Eve offers).

It opens to me a pivotal question.  See, Adam was created by God from the dust of the ground and thereafter Adam sees God face to face and joins in dialogue with God (We are not informed of the frequency of this conversation, either in the Genesis narrative nor in Milton's depiction, at least not from the parts I have read for class.  Yet, we are informed that Adam had dialogue with God at least once in the naming of the animals). 

Yet, when he discovers that Eve has eaten of the fruit from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, he chooses Eve over God.  He chooses "death" (whatever that is, I'm not sure that either Adam or Eve would have been able to understand what death was at this point) with Eve over continuing in Eden with God.  How could he do this?

I think the answer lies in the type of relationship which Adam had with God.  I think the answer is quite simply that we have created a heaven out of Eden, painting a picture of Adam having complete and unhindered access to God.  Yet God is not present when the serpent comes to deceive Eve, nor when Adam discovers Eve's offense.  I think this requires us to re-imagine what Eden was like so that we can better understand why Adam chose Eve over God.

Procrastination

There's something about a weekend that makes one ask the question "what needs to be done?"  And since I have no assignments due this week, I've decided to spend my day procrastinating.  Granted, there are two papers due the week after Thanksgiving... but those can wait.  This weekend, I will simply focus on what is pressing: a few reading assignments (only one left) and a short response to a video (which I need to finish watching).  All in all, not too bad.  So... I will procrastinate.  And I will enjoy the weekend for a change.

surgery?

Yesterday, I found out that there is a surgery that might be able to be done for my neck.  My migraines are triggered by a deviation of a disc in my spine and this deviation has caused a large lump to form next to my spine (possibly scar tissue or possibly joint fluid).  It might be possible to surgically remove this lump.

Until I meet with a surgeon, I can only speculate based on information given to me by my doctor and therapist.  There is a chance that the surgeon might not be willing to do the surgery.  The lump is right next to my spine and about an inch from my brain.  Needless to say, its a very intricate area with high risks. 

I hesitate to get my hopes up for anything more than relief from the migraines.  However, this could make a huge difference for my trap muscle as well, and my trap muscle is the muscle which causes the large majority of my shoulder, neck and upper back pain.

I am faced with two challenges right now.  First, to keep my hopes from getting too high.  Second, to prepare myself mentally for the idea of having less pain.  I'll have to write more on that later (likely after I meet with the surgeon).  In the meantime, I appreciate your prayers... Prayers for wisdom, peace, and discernment on my part.  Prayers for wisdom and discernment on the part of the surgeon as well.  And, if the surgeon agrees to do surgery, then I will need even more prayers! 

Until then.... May I praise God in this storm!

The Jacob Epiphany

I am often amazed at the epiphanies which occur at Bible college.  I shouldn't be.  In my heart, I know that I do not really know my Bible and that there is so much more to discover. Yet, in my head I think that I do know enough of the basics so that my paradigm will remain un-shifted.

Today*, my paradigm was not only shifted, it was thrown out the window of a speeding train.

Jacob.  We all know the story.  Abraham and Sarah had a miracle-son named Isaac; Isaac married Rebekah; Rebekah conceived after Isaac prayed for her.  She soon discovered (through a revelation from the Lord) that she was pregnant with twins.  When the time came, out came Esau with Jacob clutching onto his heel.

The boys grow up.  Esau comes home one day and is starving, so he asks Jacob for some stew.  Jacob offers to give him some stew if Esau will sell him his birthright.  Esau agrees.  Time passes, we don't know how much time, and the time comes for Isaac to bestow the blessings before he passes.  Rebekah talks Jacob into pretending he is his brother Esau; Jacob goes in wearing goat hair and receives the blessing from his father.

And he receives the reputation of being a deceiver.  After all, did he not deceive his father into thinking he was Esau?  And he receives the reputation of being a stealer.  After all, did he not steal the birthright from his brother?

Hold up.  Did he steal the birthright from his brother?  Because when you read Genesis 25, it seems pretty clear that Esau sold Jacob his birthright.  There is no stealing involved.  And before you start to defend Esau, notice what the author says about the exchange:

so he [Esau] swore to him, and sold his birthright to Jacob.  Then Jacob gave Esau the lentil stew; and he ate and drank, and rose and went on his way.  Thus Esau despised his birthright.

Hmm...

As for the deceit, who's idea was it that Jacob go into his father wearing goats hair?

Rebekah said to her son Jacob, "Behold, I heard your father speaking to your brother Esau... Now therefore, my son, listen to me as I command you... so that he may bless you before his death."

So Rebekah tells Jacob what to do and Jacob quite simply obeys.  Yet, can we actually say that the idea was Rebekah's?   

...the children struggled together within her; and she said, "If it is so, why then am I this way?"  So she went to inquire of the Lord.  
The Lord said to her,
    "Two nations are in your womb;
    And two peoples will be separated from your body; 
    And one people shall be stronger than the other;
    And the older shall serve the younger."

So it seems that Rebekah gets her idea from God.  Now, this does not excuse what was done either by her or by Jacob, but it does give some perspective.  It seems to be an honest attempt on Rebekah's part to seek after God and His will.  Not that her method was correct, but we should at least consider that perhaps her heart was.

Also, if Jacob owned the birthright, then who does the blessing belong to?  Jacob.  So he is being obedient to his mother, and is trying to get what legitimately belongs to him to begin with.

One final thought... Jacob was not only a willing participant in obeying his mothers' advice; he seems to have wanted both the birthright and the blessing.  Esau, on the other hand, despised these things.  Why did Jacob value the birthright and blessing so highly?  Genesis 25:27 tells us that Esau was a man of the fields and a skillful hunter.  Jacob, in contrast, was a peaceful man, "living in tents."

Esau spent his time in the fields.  Jacob spent his time in the tents... If Jacob was in the tents, who would have been in the tents with him?  His mom... and his family.  Remember, this is not American culture!  Families stayed together - extended families lived together.

So who would have been hanging out in the tents with Jacob?  Very likely his grandfather... Abraham.  It is very likely he would have grown up hearing Abraham's stories of God... and he would have heard of the promises given to Abraham, passed down to Isaac.  And he would have understood that these promises would belong to the child with the birthright.  And Jacob wanted the birthright.

Jacob wanted the promises of God.  Esau despised them.

* This post was over a month in the making - so "today" does not refer to the day that this was posted, but instead to the day that the writing of this post began.
** Much credit is due to Ms. Domani Pothen, who provided these insights during a British Literature class... although I could not tell you how this tied to any of our readings in British Lit, the insight was still greatly relevant to us all. 

God likes BBQ

"... the glory of the Lord appeared to all the people.  Then fire came out from before the Lord and consumed the burnt offering and the portions of fat on the altar..." (Leviticus 9:23b-24a)

God tried BBQ for the first time... I'm not completely sure he liked it.  I mean, how often do we try things and decide we never want to eat it again?  Though typically, if we don't like it, we don't consume the food in front of us!  But then comes into play the law of repetition...

He does it again in 2 Kings 1, 1 Chronicles 7, and 1 Chronicles 21.  And if we keep Coldstone in the back of our mind, I'd say He doesn't just like BBQ... He's Gotta Have It*!  And in keeping with the law of repetition... the first time, he tried it... the second time shows that He liked it... the third time shows that He loves it... and the fourth time shows He really loves it and has Gotta Have It*!

* The largest size at Coldstone is the "Gotta Have It" size!

I lied today...

"How are you?"

"Good."  But I'm not good today.  I'm discouraged and apathetic.

What happened to being genuine?  With being honest with our friends? 

When I was 13 I recognized this problem within myself.  I wrote a short "story" about how I put a mask on every morning, painting my face with concealer... mascara... blush to brighten my smiling cheeks.  But, despite my efforts at externals, I was unable to paint a smile on my heart.

A friend shared during devotions at Retreat in September about masks as well.  Wretched things that we put on so that we can portray to others the person we want to be... the person we think they expect us to be.  But who can live up to the expectations they portray?

How am I today?  Well, I'm not doing so hot... but God is still on His throne and I know a better day will come my way.

my therapist loves me...

How do I know this?

She inflicts pain.  Severe, take-my-breath-away kind of pain.  To the point that if she's working on my shoulder from the front, I feel it in my shoulder blade.  And tonight she inflicted pain for an extra 15 minutes.

Yup, my therapist loves me.

Beowulf - envy and jealousy

This first post will not be truly about Beowulf the text, but, Lord willing, it will come full-circle in future postings...  Instead, this first post will be primarily about envy and jealousy, a theme which I see within the text Beowulf.

DISTINCTIONS OF ENVY AND JEALOUSY

                What is the difference between envy and jealousy?  This can be particularly difficult for American English speakers.  In American English, we often use the term “jealous” to refer to feelings of both envy and jealousy.  In an article by Stepanova and Coley, where they examined the linguistic differences of these two terms in both English and Russian, they pointed out that American English speakers will express their emotions of envy with the word or term of being jealous. The example Stepanova and Coley use was that of expressing envy over another’s purchase of a new car: “You have a nice car.  I’m so jealous!” (Stepanova & Coley, pg. 5).  In contrast, in Russian, the expression would utilize the Russian equivalent for envy rather than the equivalent for jealousy. 

                Although in American English, the expression of being jealous can refer to a feeling of either jealousy or envy, when we define these two terms we can determine two distinct differences for these emotions.  First, the feeling of jealousy is an emotion which encompasses something that the individual has while the feeling of envy is an emotion which encompasses something that the individual does not have and wants.  Second, the feeling of jealousy typically encompasses a relationship while the feeling of envy typically encompasses an object (Aanderson, 1).  The second of these two distinctions is typical, though not a necessity in defining these terms.

                 The primary distinction is truly that of having and not having... More to come!

unceasing

pain pierces
constant
fierce aching stab
continuous
numbness more painful
and unending
comfort flees my presence
forever
it radiates, taking my breath
away
my strength is robbed to my bones
unceasing

peace

I recently read a description of peace. It defined peace not as the absence of chaos or a storm, but calm within the chaos and storm.

I resonate with that. God's Word and Spirit give me a peace which transcends understanding, despite my life's circumstances.

I am not Superwoman. But any resemblance that may exist is simply a small bit of the power of my God at work in my life. Hopefully you can see Him through the glimpses of my life found here.

Holding On

I didn't realize how much I am barely holding it together.  One afternoon of "unexpected extras" has completely stressed me out and pushed me into "panic mode."

That might not be fair to myself.  In actuality, I am scheduled for 3 shifts at my third job this week instead of the expected "no more than 2."  One is on-call, and I am praying I am not called in.  I don't know how I'll pull things off if I am.  The other two are long shifts (over 7 hours), which is great for my paycheck.  But not great for my study time! 

Add to that, I just came back from All-College Retreat (which was WONDERFUL!).  I came back and had over 5 hours of homework Monday night.  Tuesday I left at 6:30 and got home at 7:30.  A 13-hour day. 

Wednesdays are normally my light days.  I didn't realize how much I treasure having the afternoons to myself.  But today I didn't get home until 5:00.  Tomorrow's homework was already done (yea!), but Friday's isn't and if I get called in tomorrow night I won't have another opportunity to finish it.  I thought I would do it this afternoon.

I am suddenly finding myself hanging by a thread.  Time management is one of my strengths, but when two unexpected meetings get thrown my way, keeping me on campus 4 hours later than expected, my time management can quickly become a detriment to me.

I will survive.  I will hold things together.  But right about now, I am looking forward to a "catch-up day."  I just wish I knew how soon one will come.

Change of Direction

I hate last-minute changes.  So it was extremely difficult to look at my upcoming term and realize a change was necessary.  I am still undecided on which Masters Program I want to enter into after I complete my undergraduate studies.  Double majoring opens up so many doors of opportunity and the choices are overwhelming.  But, because of some recent developments and connections for a discount on tuition at one college, I felt it necessary to avert my studies and emphasize Biblical Studies in my coursework this coming term.

I hate last-minute changes.  But this change will also lighten up my daily schedule and routine.  I have the option of either having a break during the day or rearranging my work hours to make it possible to spend less time on campus and more time at home.  I think I'll try to find a balance somewhere in the middle.

I hate last-minute changes.  However, I think this change will be good.  I just need to quickly adjust my mindset - classes begin on Monday!

Surprise endings

Forgive me for the shortness of this.  Leadership retreat was awesome!  But more on that later when I'm slightly more coherent.

It is currently Monday night, and past time for me to go to bed.  I'm exhausted from the long weekend.  The morning before our BBQ I awoke to a text message letting me know another member of my team would be resigning.  I'll admit to still being disappointed.  But at the time, more than being disappointed I was stressed.  We had been looking all summer for someone to replace the other gal from our team, and now it was suddenly just me and the 3 guys from our team.  But almost exactly 12 hours later, we had 2 people approach us to let us know they were interested!  Amazing!

Most amazing was the fact that they were both able to come to retreat (not all of it, but the large majority).  This provided the much-needed opportunity to connect prior to the actual beginning of the year.  Tomorrow we continue with our training, Wednesday we will prep the Center, and Thursday new students begin arriving!  The business is just beginning, and I remain excited and (albeit cautiously) optimistic at what God has in store for me!

A little glimpse...

...into my life. 

I often go against the grain.  If you were to meet me on the street, or in church, or at school, or in the local coffee shop, or at work, or just about anywhere... you would think girlie-girl, city-girl, or she's-got-it-girl.  Maybe all three.  Maybe a combination.

But, strike up a conversation and you'll find out this girlie-girl spent her summer working on a home improvement project and is hoping to learn to ride a Harley.  Hang out with me, and you'll find out that this city-girl loves to go out into the country for a day of hiking.  Get me to open up, and you'll find out that this she's-got-it-girl doesn't have any of the things she has always dreamed of in life.

My best friend calls me superwoman.  I think I'm just super crazy.  Journey with me and decide for yourself.