The Broken Picker

A nice long weekend away has come to a close.  Its bittersweet.  I greatly enjoyed the leadership training and time spent in late-night conversation with a couple friends...

A theme began to develop with our late-night conversations: the broken picker.

A psychologist told me that there are 4 reasons why a man is single at my age:
    1) he has a broken picker
    2) he has a fear of commitment/marriage
    3) he is divorced (which means his picker is probably broken)
    4) he is a widower

After mentioning this to my friends, we were left to contemplate the question: why am I single?  We all began to realize that we, like many men, have a broken picker.  We fail to recognize the quality men around us and instead find ourselves selecting men who are broken, entering into broken relationships.

I wonder if these four categories accurately reflect every - or even the majority - of singles in their late- 20's and 30's, but it certainly is some challenging food for thought!

A Response to Dating

A few weeks ago I sat down to coffee with a girl friend.  Dating became the topic throughout most of our conversation as we shared with one another our heartbroken stories.  We weren't trying to tear apart the men who broke our hearts and were instead trying to grapple with dating and trusting God with our broken hearts.

At one point my friend looked at me and said "I don't think dating is working.  But I don't like the alternative either.  I don't know what the answer is."

This sentiment seems to be echoing throughout Christian culture and I heard a similar slam a few days later from a Christian psychologist who was frustrated with the way Christians are handling dating today.

This is also a topic of conversation on Boundless and was blogged about today by Suzanne.  Suzanne had a great perspective.  Speaking specifically about Joshua Harris' I Kissed Dating Goodbye, she says "The principles within encouraged me to remain pure and exercise wisdom in romantic relationships. Those are things that protected my self-worth and purity, led me to a healthy relationship, and continue to bless my marriage."  Pulling the spiritual truth from what we're reading, and applying that truth to our lives sounds like a concept all too familiar to anyone who's taken a class from Ray Lubeck!  And that's exactly what Suzanne did.

But what struck me most was not what Suzanne said, but third comment down: I learned not to do the bad things, but I did not learn how to do the right things either.

Hmm.  He's right.  Learning to do the right things is just as important as learning not to do the bad things.  I believe that's why Paul always provides a list of things that the believer should be doing right after providing the list of activities a believer should be avoiding.

But, like my friend and this commenter, I think we still need to answer the question: what are the right things and how do we do them?  Right now the only answer I have is this: be willing to take a risk and trust God regardless of the outcome.

After a heartbreak several years ago, I needed to give myself some time to heal.  Two years ago, a guy caught my eye.  I prayed and prayed, "Lord, if this isn't going to end in marriage, please don't let it happen; I can't handle another heartbreak."  But I realized that, in order to give any relationship a fair chance, I would need to be willing to risk having my heart broken again.  It took me another year to get to that point.

But just because you are willing to take the risk doesn't mean that it will work out.  That's why its a risk. And, regardless of the outcome, you have to be willing to trust God's promises for you.  Promises of hope and a future.  Promises to satisfy our heart's desire.  But we must trust in Him, delight in Him, and glorify Him... regardless.

Goodbye

22 days to forever, but forever never comes...

The Love Dare

I am contemplating trying out The Love Dare.

My boyfriend, Matt, has been in Mexico since the 1st and will be returning at the end of the month.  Being apart for a month is - well, interesting.  I am not sure how to describe it.  We hit a really rough spot right before he left and not being able to communicate has been challenging.

But it has also been good.  I've had time to reflect on myself and our relationship and I'm realizing that I'm not a very good friend.  Being a good girlfriend can be far too convoluted, so I try not to make any evaluations on that level.  Expectations vary far too much.

But after reading this blog I realized that if I want to move towards marriage in this relationship (and I do), I need to be a better friend.  And Hyatt's advertisement for a best friend brings out several of my shortcomings as a potential mate.

Enter The Love Dare.

I had already been thinking about this book for a few weeks and in reading Hyatt's article I realized that I need some assistance in becoming a better friend.  While The Love Dare is focused on helping marriages improve, many of the Biblical concepts presented can apply to all sorts of relationships.

But I still worry.  When it says "Love is patient" I find I have a small doubt which asks but how long will I have to wait?  There is a delicate balance between taking the risk in a relationship which allows the opportunity for love to grow and protecting myself by evaluating if this relationship is worth the risk.  I don't want to put my whole heart into a relationship with someone who doesn't reciprocate.

Am I selfish?  Where is the Biblical response to this?  As far as I know, there isn't a clear response because ancient methods of courtship were designed to handle this balance for us.  But in today's society, how do we strike the balance... and is there a Biblical response?

I suppose I should wrestle with this a little more before I decide whether or not to give The Love Dare a try.

(Also, as a disclaimer, in glancing through the different "dares" throughout The Love Dare I realize that there are some dares, such as initiating sex with your spouse, which I would not do.  The Biblical principles involved with those dares are clearly designated for marriage relationships only.)

First Date (part 2)

So you're on that first date.  The guy asked; the girl said yes.  Maybe the feel is a casual hang-out; maybe the date has a very clear "date-feel."  Regardless, there's a task at hand.  Girls need to express their interest; guys need to make the following hour (or more?) an enjoyable time.

How do you do this?  By being prepared.

Be prepared for communication.  Don't always expect it to happen naturally.  If it does, great.  But if it doesn't, begin to build the foundation for natural communication.  Typically, natural communication grows out of common knowledge… things you know about the other person and the things the other person has an interest in.  So take the time to discover things about each other - their daily interests and maybe a few of their passions.

Before the date, think about what you do and don't know about him or her already and come up with some questions.  If you haven't had much communication prior to the date, here are some starting points...  If you don’t already know the answers to these questions, then ask the questions!

-          What church does he or she go to?  Is your date involved in any ministries at church?  Ask about them!

-          Does he/she work?  …go to school?  What does he like about his job? (Stay on the positive... talking about what you hate about your job doesn't create chemistry!)  What is she studying in school? Work and school are the things in our lives which take up the most time... so ask about them!

-          Does your date have any siblings?  You don't have to find out each family member's life story, but you can get a general idea about his or her family life by asking the right questions... so, ask about them!

If you've had more interaction before the first date, hopefully communication flows more naturally to begin with.  But, this is still the first date and you might still have some butterflies.  If you're having a hard time coming up with some questions to ask, hopefully these suggestions will spark something...

-          What was the last big event your date had that you know of?  Finals?  A review at work?  A mission’s trip?  A visit with family?  Ask how it went.

-          What ministries is he or she involved in, inside or outside the church?  Ask how they're going... If you're involved in a ministry together, you could talk about an upcoming event or activity or any recent ones (are you excited about the high school sleepover next week?  I think the 150-foot slip-n-slide is going to be so fun!)

-          Have you heard of any recent prayer requests?  Ask for an update.

All of these things will show genuine interest, keep conversation moving, and help build the foundation for future conversations to be able to flow naturally without so much effort.

First Date (part 1)

There was a lot of blank staring at my hands.  I didn't realize I was copying his movements until I'd been doing it for... how long?  Well, we'd been sitting there for 15 minutes.  Maybe the whole time?  Say something, say something, say something!  My mind was like a broken record.  But what should I say?

This experience was brought back to my memory recently when I accompanied two friends on what might be considered their first date.  After meeting up at the ice cream shop, I ordered my ice cream and found a table for the three of us... and I finished my ice cream before either had said a single word to the other.  Again, I found my brain playing the broken record.  Say something, say something, say something!  I wish I had telepathic capabilities.

We've all been there.  Some of us more frequently than others.  Sitting there and observing from the outsiders' perspective provided a lot of insight.  I realized things I had learned (rather painfully, I might add) over years of dating.  Based on this experience, I offer the following advice.

Girls - the guy just did his job.  He asked you out... for dinner, for coffee, or for a scoop of ice cream.  Perhaps he was a little more creative and asked to pick you up at 4:30am so you could watch the sunrise over the mountain together.  Hopefully he didn't ask you to go to a movie with him (only because there is no opportunity for communication and you spend your time getting to know someone else's story instead of writing your own).  Maybe he made it clear that it was a date; maybe he didn't.  Nevertheless, he took that first step and now you're headed "out" - somewhere - with him. 

This was a step of pursuing, however aggressive or passive his approach.  Now he needs a little encouragement.  Let him know you're interested, too. 

One way of doing this is to blurt out "Thanks for asking me out to [you fill in the blank]!  I'm glad you're interested in me!  Guess what!?!?  I'm interested in you too!"

Sure, you can do it that way.  But you can also expect him to go running, especially if he opted for the passive approach.  But... maybe I'm wrong and maybe I don't know.  I've actually never tried this approach.  Maybe it would work...

Another way of doing this is to simply act interested.  But I'll get back to that one in part 2.

Guys - Don't assume that just because you did your job that now it’s her turn to do hers.  Some girls are shyer than others.  And even the ones that aren't shy can still be charmed by your stunning good looks and suddenly find themselves tongue-tied.  As I already mentioned, it has happened to me.  It's happened to me even after multiple dates with a guy I thought was amazing. 

Just because you asked her out doesn't mean your job is done.  Your next job is to do what you can to see to it that she has a nice time.   You can do this by letting her know you're interested in getting to know her - who she is beneath the surface.

Ultimately, my advice to both guys and girls is the same: be prepared for communication...