Full Speed Ahead

Life seems to be moving SO quickly!  Graduation is less than 7 weeks away and its going to be a whirlwind for the next 6 months (at least!).

There's a job I've been hoping for... I should find out this month if I have the job.  And by the time this happens, I'll be in the last few weeks of classes!  After all, there are only 5 weeks left!  I think the easiest way to talk about it is in a simple time-line...

• As of today, I have 5 weeks of classes left!
• May 7th begins a "week" of finals (though I really only have 2 or 3 finals!) 
• May 13th begins Senior Retreat
• May 18th - GRADUATION and my 29th birthday!
• May 20th - I leave for UGANDA!
• May 22nd - June 11th - I'll be in Uganda
• June 11-12th - 23 hours in LONDON
• June 12th - arrive back in Portland
• I'm thinking it will be a week or so to recover from jet lag and "process" everything I had experienced in Uganda and London

Then, if I get the job I was hoping for, I will be starting work on July 1st (technically... the 1st is a Sunday, so I'll actually start on the 2nd).  And if I get that job... I'll be walking into a whirlwind!  But, for now, its just an "if" so I'll leave it there.  Besides, I think this is enough to process!

I'm truly praising God and praying for strength, endurance, and clearness of mind as I strive to grow closer to God during this busy time of life!

Responsibility

Strength Finder informed me a year and a half ago that I have the strength of "Responsibility."  This is no surprise to me and probably not to those who know me, either.  It makes me reliable to those who need me.  It also makes my life extremely chaotic.

Anything I do, I want to do well.  I also do not want to let down or disappoint those who are relying on me.  As a result, even when I am over-committed, I find myself pushing through.  If I back out of a commitment, the task now becomes a burden to someone else.

Enter Fall 2011.

I am working three jobs, taking 14 credits, auditing an additional 3 credits, involved in ministry at my church, participating with a chapel worship band, working out 3 days a week, meeting weekly with 2 individuals (not counting the 6 mentor meetings which I have as a part of one of my jobs), and trying to take care of my physical and social lives as well.  Something has got to give.  I barely have time for homework.  One friend observed today that they have not seen me working on my homework once since school started 3 weeks ago; instead, I'm working on grading everyone else's (that's my other 2 jobs).  His statement was pretty accurate.

So now comes the time when I let someone down.  I say 'no' to something.  I might even back out of one of my commitments.  This stuff kills me.

Chaos

It seems like a bit of irony that I have had this blog going for a while now and have not once (yet) admitted to the chaos that is my life.  But it seems quite appropriate now!

Having just started a new school year a week ago, I've received an onslaught of questioning: "how was your summer?'  I must admit, I ask the question frequently as well!  My answer is pretty simple.

What summer?

I had a week between Finals Spring Semester and beginning my Summer courses - a week filled with reading the 600-some required pages of reading for the speed course that I took that first week of Summer classes.  My classes ended August 11th and I started my leadership position and preparing for the new school year on August 12th.  A vacation to visit family was squeezed in at the end of June, but that was about it.

Since starting the Fall semester activities three weeks ago, I have had 2 weekends out of town and helped with our New Student Orientation.  I'll be out of town again next weekend (this time for a much-needed vacation which I hope is relaxing).

During the retreat this past weekend (which wasn't as relaxing as I had hoped), I received a challenge: Are you scheduling God into your day or are you spending time with Him?

Conviction.

Just before finishing my Summer classes, my sister-in-law and best friend suggested I spend a couple hours at a park not far away, sitting and waiting on God to move.  My answer?  I don't have time.  I had a lot to get done to finish my classes and a short amount of time to do it.  I was up against a deadline.  I'll find time next week.

But next week came and went.  I still haven't made it to the park, even through I've driven through that area of the city more than once.  My time with God is merely a task to check off my daily to-do list, right alongside brush your teeth and eat dinner, possibly slightly higher than wash your face.

Chaos is a part of life, especially for this college-student.  But I needed that reminder to seek the calm in the midst of the chaos.  This is what life's truly about.

The things you learn in school...

In reading the first chapter assigned for my Sociology course, I came across a list of technology communication terms - you know, things like "lol" for "laugh out loud" and "jk" for "just kidding."  The list had about more than a dozen terms.  Most of them I had never heard before.  So, I guess I've learned that I'm old and out of touch with American culture.  Either that or the authors are (I could make a case for this - they did not include jk, lol, bff, ttyl, or omw which are, in my friend circle at least, some of the most common abbreviations).

In reading the next chapter assigned, I came across several statistics such as
- the average American eats 3 hamburgers and 4 servings of french fries per week!
- the money spent on fast food in the United States is greater than the amount spent on newspapers, magazines, books, music, movies, videos, computers and - get this - higher education... combined!
Again, I discover I am out of touch with American culture.  I have not spent more than $50 on fast food this year (and that is including Subway, the 'healthy' fast food) and I have probably consumed that many fast food hamburgers and french fries in the past 6 months, not in the past week!  Yet the amount of money I spend on books and education are, well, a whole lot higher...


Oh, the things you learn in school.

An end... A beginning

Life is full of endings.  And beginnings.

This week we had a final team dinner with our Commuter Life Team for this year.  Interviews for next year's team were completed almost two months ago, and I am excited for next year.  But watching these friends finish their time at Multnomah and launch off to new beginnings is a bit surreal for me.

My boyfriend is among the 2011 graduates.  Watching him finish his final assignments this week I keep thinking one word: done.

Done?  Jealousy has certainly crossed my mind.  In one sense, I am eager to be done with homework and deadlines and return to the life of the 8-5.  I miss having evenings open - wide open - to read, watch TV, or hang out with friends (or my boyfriend).

Yet, in the midst of that jealousy I sense a few other feelings among my friends.  These feelings can probably boil down to one word: bittersweet.  I can see that they will miss spending all day, every day, with their friends - even if that is in class and studying in the library and pushing earbuds into their ears in an attempt to drown out the noise of the dorms.  I can see that they will miss the mental stimulation brought on by constant learning.  And I can see that they will miss knowing "what's next" and that any difficult classes will be over soon (the "I just have to make it through finals mentality).

So, as I face 2 more days of classes and 2 more days of finals, a week off and then Summer classes, I hope to keep these things in mind.  Yes, this may be emotionally and mentally draining, but there is something to be enjoyed here which I might soon miss.

The speed of life

I often doubt that the speed of light is faster than the speed of life.  Have you ever noticed how quickly life changes?!  Granted, there are the moments when life slows wayyyyy down.  My two closest friends have been experiencing that - one is waiting for her husband to come home from deployment; waiting for information on when his deployment will end.  The other is waiting for her first child to decide he or she is cooked enough and ready to come out and greet the world.

Yes, we all have our moments of waiting.  But then there are the moments when we simply wish life would slow down a little so we can have time to catch our breath!

I have been in the latter camp for the past month.

Four weeks ago, I began dating a guy I have been interested in for about 7 months.  Moving from "interested" to "boyfriend" happened SO quickly and I feel I am just now beginning to catch my breath.

Two weeks ago, I was informed that tuition would be increasing significantly next year.  Suddenly, I am faced with multiple decisions about school - how do I finish without a huge loan?  All at once, I find my plans changing significantly and I am now anticipating graduating next year.

Sometimes life moves quickly; sometimes changes come suddenly and take us by surprise.  I'm just glad God gives me the strength to hang on!

Day 1 in Acts

I've always heard Acts described as being the story of the early church.  While it describes events relating to the early church, it is hardly a story about the early church.  What I mean is, the early church is not the main character of Acts.

So, who is the main character?  Well, let's think through an outline of Acts...

We begin with Jesus, post-resurrection, pre-ascension.  He talks with the Twelve, reminding them of the things He had told them before.  He reminds them of the "Great Commission" and then He ascends. 

(On a side note, when Jesus ascends, the disciples - and others - stand googlie-eyed, staring at the sky and a couple of angels - uh, men in white robes - come and say, "hey guys, what's up?"  And they say "Uhh... Jesus? (this is said in a perplexed tone filled with bewilderment) He just ascended into the clouds..." (of course they do this without taking their eyes off the sky) and the angels say "in the same way He left, He'll come back."  Most sermons will teach us that Jesus will descend from the clouds.  Could be.  But its more fully supported to argue that "in just the same way" means that He will come unexpectedly, just as He left unexpectedly...  Food for thought.)

So Jesus is gone, and who takes the main spot next?  The Twelve, with Peter at the forefront.  Pentecost happens and Peter and the Twelve preach and many are saved.  Peter remains in the spotlight for a while, but before you start to think Peter is the main character he more or less leaves the story.  In chapter 6 the Twelve select the Seven, two of which are Stephen and Phillip and we find Stephen taking the spotlight and by chapter 7, he is preaching (a very eloquent speech if you ask me!) and becomes the first martyr.  So, Peter is out and Stephen is out.

The story doesn't turn back to Peter, but instead briefly introduces Saul and then we find Phillip preaching.  The narrative then returns to Paul and, with few - if any worth noting - exceptions, follows Paul from then on.

So some argue that Acts is about Paul - his conversion and his ministry.  But that doesn't jive.  He isn't even present, except for a brief mention of his presence in chapters 7-8, during the first 1/3 of the book.  Hard to believe he is the main character.

So who is present throughout?

The Message.  The Message which Jesus reminds the Twelve (which is actually down to Eleven at this point) of before His ascension.  The Message which Peter preaches.  The Message which the Twelve - err, Eleven - preach.  The Message which Stephen and Phillip preach.  The Message which Saul receives and Paul preaches.

So, what is the book of Acts about?  The Message and its spread throughout Jerusalem, Samaria and the uttermost parts of the earth.

Making the Connection

High School was supposed to prepare students for college.  And college is supposed to help prepare students for employment.  But how are colleges doing this?

Admittedly, colleges are often failing.  In college, students learn that they can turn assignments in after the deadline and they still pass the class.  They simply get docked 5 points or 10% or whatever the professor has determined.  In contrast, if I missed the deadline of sending a file to the bank at my last job... my company could get fined upwards of $5000 and this would likely put my job in jeopardy. 

In college, not reading the guidelines on the study guide could greatly effect your grade.  But many professors allow you to go back and correct this.  However, at my last job, if we didn't follow the guidelines from the Feds, we would be fined $5000 for the first mistake, $10000 for the second mistake, and $15000 for every mistake after!  Needless to say, someone would face some serious consequences!

Granted, there are also significant differences.  In college, each professor is somewhat like a "boss" (if we're trying to make a parallel).  Each professor gives you different tasks to work on (reading, papers, reports, etc.) and each task has its own deadline.  If all the deadlines fall on the same day, well, guess what?  You better find a way to work it out.

In the corporate world, if there were two big projects coming our way, those projects would be divided among employees so that each person had a manageable work load.  Deadlines could be spaced out and would be adjusted as often as possible.  An employee typically has only one or two bosses and there is a chain of command in which an employee can appeal to when necessary.  This doesn't happen in college.

How well we prepare ourselves for the corporate world is often dependent on the student.  Understanding the way that the corporate world connects is helpful in learning the skills necessary while in college.  And this disconnect, in my opinion, is the cause for colleges and universities failing to prepare students for Corporate America.

A question to ponder...

I am currently reading Milton's Paradise Lost.  In Book 9, we receive the narration of the fall - the deception of Eve and Adam's decision to eat the forbidden fruit.  (I carefully craft that, for, according to Milton, Eve is deceived and Adam is not, but instead willingly chooses to partake of the fruit Eve offers).

It opens to me a pivotal question.  See, Adam was created by God from the dust of the ground and thereafter Adam sees God face to face and joins in dialogue with God (We are not informed of the frequency of this conversation, either in the Genesis narrative nor in Milton's depiction, at least not from the parts I have read for class.  Yet, we are informed that Adam had dialogue with God at least once in the naming of the animals). 

Yet, when he discovers that Eve has eaten of the fruit from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, he chooses Eve over God.  He chooses "death" (whatever that is, I'm not sure that either Adam or Eve would have been able to understand what death was at this point) with Eve over continuing in Eden with God.  How could he do this?

I think the answer lies in the type of relationship which Adam had with God.  I think the answer is quite simply that we have created a heaven out of Eden, painting a picture of Adam having complete and unhindered access to God.  Yet God is not present when the serpent comes to deceive Eve, nor when Adam discovers Eve's offense.  I think this requires us to re-imagine what Eden was like so that we can better understand why Adam chose Eve over God.

Procrastination

There's something about a weekend that makes one ask the question "what needs to be done?"  And since I have no assignments due this week, I've decided to spend my day procrastinating.  Granted, there are two papers due the week after Thanksgiving... but those can wait.  This weekend, I will simply focus on what is pressing: a few reading assignments (only one left) and a short response to a video (which I need to finish watching).  All in all, not too bad.  So... I will procrastinate.  And I will enjoy the weekend for a change.

The Jacob Epiphany

I am often amazed at the epiphanies which occur at Bible college.  I shouldn't be.  In my heart, I know that I do not really know my Bible and that there is so much more to discover. Yet, in my head I think that I do know enough of the basics so that my paradigm will remain un-shifted.

Today*, my paradigm was not only shifted, it was thrown out the window of a speeding train.

Jacob.  We all know the story.  Abraham and Sarah had a miracle-son named Isaac; Isaac married Rebekah; Rebekah conceived after Isaac prayed for her.  She soon discovered (through a revelation from the Lord) that she was pregnant with twins.  When the time came, out came Esau with Jacob clutching onto his heel.

The boys grow up.  Esau comes home one day and is starving, so he asks Jacob for some stew.  Jacob offers to give him some stew if Esau will sell him his birthright.  Esau agrees.  Time passes, we don't know how much time, and the time comes for Isaac to bestow the blessings before he passes.  Rebekah talks Jacob into pretending he is his brother Esau; Jacob goes in wearing goat hair and receives the blessing from his father.

And he receives the reputation of being a deceiver.  After all, did he not deceive his father into thinking he was Esau?  And he receives the reputation of being a stealer.  After all, did he not steal the birthright from his brother?

Hold up.  Did he steal the birthright from his brother?  Because when you read Genesis 25, it seems pretty clear that Esau sold Jacob his birthright.  There is no stealing involved.  And before you start to defend Esau, notice what the author says about the exchange:

so he [Esau] swore to him, and sold his birthright to Jacob.  Then Jacob gave Esau the lentil stew; and he ate and drank, and rose and went on his way.  Thus Esau despised his birthright.

Hmm...

As for the deceit, who's idea was it that Jacob go into his father wearing goats hair?

Rebekah said to her son Jacob, "Behold, I heard your father speaking to your brother Esau... Now therefore, my son, listen to me as I command you... so that he may bless you before his death."

So Rebekah tells Jacob what to do and Jacob quite simply obeys.  Yet, can we actually say that the idea was Rebekah's?   

...the children struggled together within her; and she said, "If it is so, why then am I this way?"  So she went to inquire of the Lord.  
The Lord said to her,
    "Two nations are in your womb;
    And two peoples will be separated from your body; 
    And one people shall be stronger than the other;
    And the older shall serve the younger."

So it seems that Rebekah gets her idea from God.  Now, this does not excuse what was done either by her or by Jacob, but it does give some perspective.  It seems to be an honest attempt on Rebekah's part to seek after God and His will.  Not that her method was correct, but we should at least consider that perhaps her heart was.

Also, if Jacob owned the birthright, then who does the blessing belong to?  Jacob.  So he is being obedient to his mother, and is trying to get what legitimately belongs to him to begin with.

One final thought... Jacob was not only a willing participant in obeying his mothers' advice; he seems to have wanted both the birthright and the blessing.  Esau, on the other hand, despised these things.  Why did Jacob value the birthright and blessing so highly?  Genesis 25:27 tells us that Esau was a man of the fields and a skillful hunter.  Jacob, in contrast, was a peaceful man, "living in tents."

Esau spent his time in the fields.  Jacob spent his time in the tents... If Jacob was in the tents, who would have been in the tents with him?  His mom... and his family.  Remember, this is not American culture!  Families stayed together - extended families lived together.

So who would have been hanging out in the tents with Jacob?  Very likely his grandfather... Abraham.  It is very likely he would have grown up hearing Abraham's stories of God... and he would have heard of the promises given to Abraham, passed down to Isaac.  And he would have understood that these promises would belong to the child with the birthright.  And Jacob wanted the birthright.

Jacob wanted the promises of God.  Esau despised them.

* This post was over a month in the making - so "today" does not refer to the day that this was posted, but instead to the day that the writing of this post began.
** Much credit is due to Ms. Domani Pothen, who provided these insights during a British Literature class... although I could not tell you how this tied to any of our readings in British Lit, the insight was still greatly relevant to us all. 

Ephesians

This term I am studying Ephesians for Advanced Bible Study Methods.  I'm working on my 15th assignment this term and I just realized that, although God has been showing me a lot, I haven't shared any of it!  So here's just a little glimpse...

"And masters, do the same things to them..." (Ephesians 6:9)

Paul begins to address how being a child of God should look in our outward relationships half way through chapter 5.  Ephesians 5:21 says, "and be subject to one another in the fear of Christ." 

He then demonstrates what this looks like in the marital relationship between husband and wife, then in the familial relationship of parents and children.  He also demonstrates this in the relationship between slaves and masters.

Being subject to one another when you're speaking to slaves makes sense.  Telling them that this means being obedient - that's just logical.  But then Paul tells the masters to "do the same things to them."  Who is "them?"  Their slaves.  What are "the same things?"  Being obedient and being subject.

Hold up!  Masters are supposed to be obedient and subject to their slaves?  Well, that appears to be what Paul is saying! 

Have you ever wondered why God doesn't condemn slavery in the Bible?  Maybe this is why... Because slavery, done God's way, is a beautiful image of our relationship with Him (after all, doesn't Paul choose to be a bond-servant of Christ?).  Slavery the way we understand it today flies in the face of the picture Paul is painting.  But slavery, done God's way, can be beautiful. 

clarification

I fear I may have been misunderstood to some degree with my last post, based on the comments I have received both on-line (including on the link on facebook) and verbally.  While it is true that I expressed my own personal dreams, my point in writing was not for myself only.

I have full confidence in God and His ability to orchestrate the events of my life to fulfill His perfect plan.  My concern is truly with the dilemma which our society has provided to many young women today.

Our society is increasingly delaying the age and time for marriage.  In doing so, women who desire marriage and family are forced to enter into a career for a seemingly prolonged time.  Granted, for some women this "prolonged time" is only a few short years, but for others this "prolonged time" can be well into their 30's.  It is growing more and more common for women headed to their 20-year high school reunion to be traveling there with a toddler (or sometimes even with a full, round belly up front!).

Understanding that a women is entering into a stage of her life which involves a career comes with two major ideas. 

First, that this "stage of life" is ambiguous.  Like I mentioned already, this stage of life could be for a few short years.  But there is no guarantee that this stage of life will ever come to an end.

Second, because this stage of life is ambiguous, there enters a pressure to embark on a career which can be enjoyed in the long-term.  Should the ambiguous unfold into a permanent status, a woman wants to be doing something which she can enjoy as her life's work.

Now, to get to the point of the dilemma which I attempted to articulate yesterday.  For many women, the career she chooses involves a certain level of required training.  And this required training often involves time at a college, university, or trade school.  Attending one of these institutions requires money, and since most families (especially with today's economy!) are unable to pay for college outright, the woman who desires to be a SAH (stay-at-home) wife and mother finds herself taking on student loans.

But taking on student loans means that these loans must be repaid.

So, now let's look at the hypothetical.  We now have a young woman who has the average in student loans (roughly $20,000) and meets the man of her dreams, gets married, and wants to start having children and raising a family.  But she is bringing into that family the added burden of $20,000 in loans (which can be in the ballpark of $350-400 in a monthly payment if the family is trying to pay off this loan in 5 years). 

Can we say ouch?!

Like many young, single woman, I find myself hesitant to pursue my career dreams because doing so will involve significantly more than the average in student loans (let's face it, graduate work isn't cheap and financial aid is few and far between!).  It is a dilemma facing many today.

At this point, I am striving to not worry about this decision.  I'm striving to put Christ's words into action: "So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own" (Matthew 6:34).  Still, I think this problem is prevalent enough that it warrants discussion.

My life's dream

Many single women I know are currently pursuing degrees and/or careers.  Like them, I am dreaming and answering the question "what do I want to do with my life" in terms of career choices.  In my mind's eye, I see myself racking up debt as I pursue post-graduate degrees and a career teaching at the collegiate level.  Thankfully, I am not yet at the point of racking up debt.

And as I look at the decisions I am making and the decisions many women around me are making, I find myself beginning to fear that all our dreams will come true. 

Yes, I am currently on a path to become a professor.  And I often find myself excited at the prospects ahead of me on this path.  But, no matter how excited I become, deep down, I'm afraid. 

I'm afraid because this is not my life's dream.  My life's dream is not to become a professor at a University.  My life's dream is to become a teacher to two or three or four kids as they work through Elementary school.  My life's dream is not to be respected at a University.  My life's dream is to be loved.  I want to be loved by a man and by these two or three or four children.  Because, in my life's dream, these two or three or four children are my children and that man is their father and my husband. 

My life's dream is to be a wife and a mother.

And that's why I'm afraid.  I'm afraid that, as I pursue the education which is necessary for my "plan B" that men will think that my plan B is "Plan A."  I'm afraid that they will want to respect my plans to the point that they do not pursue me.  I'm afraid for myself, but I'm also afraid for all the other single women who are walking in my shoes with me.

I am not a feminist.  I have dreams which involve a career, but mostly because I've discovered that not having a plan B is an enormous risk.  And as I begin to catch glimpse of 30 around the corner, I am afraid.  I don't want to wake up at 30 and realize that I haven't obtained my life's dream and I am a decade away from any other ambitions.  So I'm starting on those "other ambitions."  I just pray that I don't swallow my life's dream in the process.

Paradigm shift (#2)

I just love the professors who stretch our thinking... 

One of my professors, Dr. Lubeck, is continuously encouraging us to search for the author's intended meaning as we read and study our Bibles... But then I come up with questions like...

In Ephesians 4, Paul quotes/references to Psalm 68... And then Paul provides an interpretation of what "he ascended" means.  Yet, this interpretation does not line up with the psalmist's intended meaning.  So how do we reconcile this?

I wasn't the only one with questions.  How do we explain foreshadowing in the Old Testament?  For example, Abraham's sacrificing of Isaac is often seen as a foreshadowing of Christ's sacrifice...  Can we honestly say that was Abraham's intent?  And here is where things get exciting...

Who is the author of Genesis?  Its not Abraham.  So we're not after Abraham's intended meaning (his thoughts), but the author's.  And the author was Moses (this is debatable by some, but that is not central to this argument...).

So what was Moses' intended meaning?

Genesis is not only a recording of historical facts, it is much more.  Genesis opens with "In the beginning"or in the very first days and concludes with "in the days to come" (Genesis 49, NASB) or at the very end.  So Moses understands that what he is recording is both history and prophecy.

But Genesis is just one book of a much larger book.  And when we look at the Bible in its entirety, we discover in Hebrews that Abraham believed that God could raise his son from the dead.  And if he believed that God could raise Isaac his son from the dead, is not possible that he could have believed that God could raise one of his sons from the dead?

As we study, the intended meaning of the author becomes more and more clear...

(This is a very rough description, so if it doesn't make sense... comment with your questions and I'll do my best to explain better!)

A prayer come true

Being a student at a Bible college, it is really easy to become flippant about the Bible.  Or worse, to become dogmatic about minor points.  Both of these rob joy from the life of the hungering soul.  My prayers have been against this.

Instead, my prayer has been "Lord, reveal Yourself to me as I study... Help me find You in the midst of writing this paper... reading this chapter... studying this passage..."  It is absolutely amazing when this begins to happen.

I didn't realize the depth of God's answer to my prayers until yesterday.  I was meeting with one of my profs - a brilliant mind who I respect immeasurably - and he asked me why I was interested in Ezra.  I'm not even sure why he asked this question; he knew I was writing a paper on Ezra.  But I answered him anyway.

It started with a paper.  But its not even about the paper anymore.  Its... personal now.  I want to understand it and I'm not going to be satisfied until I have a grip on it.

Turns out, I will write a paper on Ezra.  A 15-page or longer commentary in which I examine the text without the aid of a commentary.  In that paper I will present all the problems (or rather the questions) that arise in Ezra.  But I will refrain from drawing any conclusions.  The conclusions are my own.  And, to be truthful, I will need more time to develop my conclusions. 

I'm sure those conclusions will come out.  They'll probably be a vital part of my application paper on Ezra (a separate paper which comes a week later).  But the prayer is coming true before my eyes... and its so much better than anything I could have dreamed.

Great Conversation

I love how God uses others to shape me.

For weeks, I have been praying (and I continue to pray!) that God will open my eyes and understanding so that I see Him as I study Ezra.  A 21-page term paper which includes a 15-page commentary seems like a really good start!  But my prayer has not been for knowledge only.  I want understanding.  I want God.

I want to see His heart and what He sees.  I want to pursue God as I study Ezra.

Amazing things have been happening as an answer to my prayer.  Really, there are two things, but these two things are happening over and over again and I see each separate event as "another amazing thing!"  (Perhaps miracle, but "miracle" has such a stigma....)

First, excitement.

Typically, whatever I am studying for school is, well, academic.  And when it comes to my devotions, I look for something non-academic so that I can get something which will give me personal application.  When I was in Pentateuch for school, I read John.  When I was in Gospels and Jonah for school, I read Chronicles.  But I am so excited about what I'm learning in Ezra that I find myself reading passages that relate to Ezra in my personal devotion time.

Second, conversation.

Sometimes I bring up what I'm studying (because of the excitement I just mentioned).  Other times, the other person I'm speaking with has actually moved the conversation to Ezra or an idea within Ezra.  And most of those conversations are confirming and sharpening the things I've been seeing.  I walk away from these conversations with confidence that I'm on the right path, and sometimes a little refining of the path as well.

I am so thankful for God's answering of my prayers.  And for the tools (people) He is using in my life to help answer those prayers!  My God is truly amazing.  He deserves my praise!

the best part about the weekend...

At the half-way point of a 4-day weekend, I think  its fitting to remember why weekends are so great...

Football.  Yesterday there were some great games!  And on the weekend, we actually have time to watch them :)  This is especially note-worthy because, after having weekends off for 5 years, I was nervous I might have to miss the games this year.  Thankfully, I only missed a part of one game due to work.  But now that I have weekends off again, it is great knowing I can watch all the games :)

Breakfast.  During the week, breakfast is normally the muffin I grab on the way out the door.  Sometimes I'll have enough time to make a smoothie or pour a bowl of cereal to take with me.  But on the weekends?  I can fry up some sausage, bake a German pancake, pour some OJ, and smother my toast with homemade jam.  On this 4-day weekend, I'm having German pancakes twice.  Because I can.

To-do lists.  Yes, this is a benefit of the weekends.  Like it or not, life includes a to-do list.  And on the weekends, I actually have time to scratch a few things off.  When Monday (or the case of this week, Tuesday) comes along, my list will be a little shorter.

Yes, I love my weekends.  This weekend I may not have the luxury of a nap, but that's okay.  I have football, breakfast, and accomplishment underneath my belt!

Integrity

What does integrity look like?

- following through with your word
- honesty, despite the cost
- doing what's right when no one is looking
- a clear conscience
- a healthy fear of the judgment of God
- obedience amongst the disobedient
- not caring about the reward

How it plays out can be different for every person, because we all face different situations where we must choose to exercise integrity.  But the most common thing I see at college is the student who answers correctly the question that shows up on most quizzes: "Did you read the assigned chapter(s)?"  That is integrity.

Beowulf - envy and jealousy

Beowulf has some interesting things to say about envy and jealousy.  On the one hand, it presents jealousy as a socially acceptable motive for violence.  When a death-price isn't paid, the family member has a right to avenge the death of their loved one (which ties to the jealousy they have of that relationship).  But yet, in action, we see Beowulf standing against this type of vengeance.

Similarly, when the dragon has a cup stolen from him Beowulf stands against the dragon's attempts to restore the cup to himself.  This is not quite presented as an acceptable motive, but there is a link between his motive and the motive of Grendel's mother.

At the end of the story, a big question looms: Was it okay for Grendel’s mother and the dragon to seek to avenge the wrongs done to them?  As pointed out previously, when a wrongful death occurred, a death price was supposed to be paid.  It is this very point which is held against Grendel: “he would never make parley… nor pay the death-price” (154-156).  In Seamus Heaney’s translation edited by Daniel Donoghue, a footnote provides insight to this line by explaining, “According to Anglo-Saxon law, a murder or any unlawful killing could be resolved by the payment of a substantial fine to the family of the victim.  It was the society’s means of preventing the cycles of feuds from the beginning” (Donoghue, 7). 

                If this can be held against Grendel, it can be held against Beowulf.  On the one hand, Beowulf’s killing of Grendel is not unlawful, for King Hrothgar has requested it.  On the other hand, the nature of the killing does not give way to being lawful.  There is no mention of a court hearing where Grendel is present.  It is granted that Grendel would likely not have shown up, should a court hearing have been scheduled.  Still, from his mother’s point of view the death would have been unlawful. 

                The dragon had similarly been wronged.  While he slept, an intruder had crept into his howe and selected the dragon’s prized gold-plated cup for himself.  He carried it away and did not leave payment to reconcile the loss.  The dragon in turn begins to search for the stolen cup. 

                Despite the justification which might be provided for both Grendel’s mother and the dragon, Beowulf still steps in to fight both monsters.  More than stepping in to fight them, Beowulf pursues them.  He travels to their homes (or closely nearby) and initiates the battles.  In both cases, it seems that Beowulf is stepping in to preserve the kingdoms and communities which are suffering the consequences of the vengeance of the monsters. 

                When the dragon searches for his cup, he creates a path of destruction.  Homes and lands burst into flame as the dragon breathes fire from the sky.  The bard paints a picture of fire stretching acre upon acre; the Geat land had become a lake of fire.  The dragon’s vengeance is not restrained to the intruder and recovering the stolen cup.  Instead, the dragon’s vengeance reaches “far and near” (2317).

                Similarly, when Grendel’s mother seeks to avenge the loss of her son, she should have been after Beowulf alone.  Instead, she takes the life of Aeschere.  Her vengeance is not restrained to the man who took the life of her son.  Instead, her vengeance reaches into the home of Aeschere, his family, and his friends. 

                When Beowulf attacks and kills Grendel’s mother, the “cycle of feuds” (Donoghue) is put to an end.  The deaths of the Danes were avenged with the death of Grendel and the death of Aeschere was avenged with the death of his mother.  Similarly, when Beowulf attacks and kills the dragon, another cycle of feud is put to an end.  With the death of the dragon comes an end to his harrowing of the land of the Geats.  Beowulf stands up for the nations under attack.  In essence, Beowulf says vengeance is not acceptable, for when it remains unchecked it will destroy a nation.