The Patience of God

Although my brother and I are only a year apart, we live entirely different lives.

My brother got married at 22 and as I begin to glance at 30, I am still single.  He is the sole provider for a wife, three children and a very rambunctious puppy!  After five years of the military life, he is now back in the Northwest and embarking on the next phase of his life.  In the transition, he and his family moved in with me two months ago.

Suddenly living with three children - and a rambunctious puppy - has been a huge adjustment!  Being a full-time student, I quickly realized that home would not be a place to get work (or homework) done.  My grades definitely evidence the challenge of this transition.  But yesterday I finished up the last of my work for the semester, posted grades for students, and stretched.

Time for relaxation.  And play.  My niece was quick to approach me... "Auntie, can you play a game with me?"


Sure, this should be relaxing enough, I thought.  Little did I know that my patience was soon to be tested.  We played the first game (which had no goal or objective or rules whatsoever) until I was falling asleep in the chair.  To get us moving, I suggested a shopping trip to the dollar store for some stocking stuffers.  I can't count the number of times I had to say "Hurry up, Missy" while we were out.

While making dinner, my niece and nephews were dancing around my ankles.  Since I was running behind getting dinner done and it wasn't quite turning out, my patience soon became thin.  Thankfully, everything turned out just fine.

After dinner, another game was suggested (this time a board game with rules, points and a clear goal!).  I sat down with my niece and both nephews.  The youngest needed a little help and between playing myself and helping my nephew, I had very little patience left for my niece as she pondered each move for a solid 2-5 minutes.  I'll admit, by this point I began to become a little rough in my attitude towards her.  The fifteen minute game was going to turn into 5 hours!

But as I begin to get ready for bed - hours after the little ones have been tucked in for the night - I find myself reflecting on the day.  And I see God in those beautiful brown eyes.  My niece's "Auntie... I love you" and spontaneous hugs and kisses are a beautiful reminder of the love God has for me.  That little girl makes me feel special, cared for, and treasured.

I also see my fallenness as I reflect on the day.  How short I fall from the command to "be holy as I am holy."  See, God is patient.  But I demonstrated impatience toward my niece today.  I am so thankful that God doesn't deal with me in the same way that I deal with her.  And I am thankful that tomorrow is another opportunity for me to interact with her - to love on her, play with her, and be patient with her.  Because that is another opportunity for me to be molded into Christ-likeness as I strive to increase God's character in my life.

If God is patient... I want to be patient too.

The Isaiah Project

I am SO excited to be a part of The Isaiah Project!  I am overwhelmed as I begin to learn more about human sex trafficking which is occurring literally blocks from my University, but as I begin to get overwhelmed, I quickly move to thankfulness.  Thankful because I am already a part of doing something about it.

I am sure you'll start to see a lot more about sex trafficking on here as I begin work with The Isaiah Project. I just wanted to introduce it to you quickly.

Thankful

Wow, time flies!  And as ironic and cheesy as this post is (it being Thanksgiving and all), I am thankful.

After a month and a half of testing for my heart and more testing to come, I am thankful for doctors and medicine and the technology that exists today.  This has been a very trying experience, but it could be much worse than it is.

I am also thankful for hope.  I have hope in two things right now.  The first is the possibility of a heart surgery that could make my heart healthy - no more heart medication (which I've been on for years now) and no more challenges with my heart either.  But this is just a possibility at this point, which brings cause for my second hope - I am hopeful for a new body in heaven.  And I am thankful that God promises to give me a new body.  I've been hopeful for this for a long time!

Of course I have numerous other things for which I am thankful, but these just top the list right now.  I hope you will be encouraged to be thankful for your health as well.

Love my job

I know, ironic isn't it?  But it's true.  I love my job.  All three of them.

My first job - working with the commuter life program at Multnomah University - is a complete joy.  I get to hang out with students, develop student leaders, and have fun.  I have a great team that I work with.  But most importantly, I have a great boss.

My second and third jobs are grading for professors.  I know I shouldn't enjoy reading the same paper 30 times (or 70 times for the larger classes) but I am invigorated by seeing and reading the development in students' lives.  I get to read how God is molding and shaping them.  I get to read what they learned in a Bible study.  I get to see things click when they understand (and enjoy!) a symphony for the first time.

I love my jobs.  I don't know what the future will hold, but I love the opportunities I get to enjoy during my senior year.

Recipe Time! Egg salad sandwiches

Over the past several months, I've been keeping an eye out for natural anti-inflammatory foods.  One of the ingredients I found was tumeric.  But apart from Indian foods, most recipes don't call for tumeric.  Tumeric is an orange spice which is much like paprika - a mild, peppery flavor.  It is also used as a dye, so be aware of that when you're using it!

Well, I got a hunkering for egg salad recently and today I came up with the best recipe I've ever tried - and it included this powerful anti-inflammatory spice!  So I thought I'd share...

Ingredients

• 4 eggs (free-range organic)
• 1 tablespoon sour cream
• 1 tablespoons prepared mustard (organic, any kind)
• 1/2 teaspoon dried dill weed
• 1/4 teaspoon paprika
• 1/4 teaspoon tumeric
• 1 tablespoon dill pickle, minced
• 
  
• I used heaping tablespoons for the sour cream, mustard and pickle.  It was the perfect blend of dill flavor and creamy egg-and-vinegar.  I hope you enjoy it as much as I did!

"Premonition" doesn't quite cut it.  It feels more like the Holy Spirit guiding and preparing me.

I woke up with this feeling... its going to be a lonnnng day.  After getting ready, I headed out the door for church.  Even though I was not planning on leaving early, I still found myself asking a friend to take care of things for me after service.  I guess I just wanted a break.  But the feeling wouldn't go away.

I am so glad I did.  The Holy Spirit had prepared things for me so I could get up and leave when I needed to, about half way through service.  I cried the whole way home.  Finding out someone lied to you is never easy.  But I'm glad the Holy Spirit prepared things for me today.

Reliving the Past

I have a challenging assignment due next week.  Write a story about a difficult event or series of events which you experienced.

Oh, goodness.  The possibilities seemed endless but I quickly scratched off experiences which would bring me to tears - experiences too fresh or too painful.  Of those left, one stood out: my first Bible college.

This experience - a one-semester-experience - revealed to me a major truth.  Evil exists in the world and it is present in the Church.  It was clearly a difficult season.

So I began by listing all the pieces of that semester which revealed to me this truth.

The list was long.

And now I must relive the past as I sift through the wreckage and select those items which weave together to create a unified story.  It is a jarring process.

...I was about to end this entry, but I don't want to end on that note.  I also recognize that God used these four months in my life.  And, in the midst of the evil, I found several people who will always be near and dear to my heart.  These individuals were the "good" which strengthened me through the long four months and gave me the endurance I needed to run the race uphill.  I will always be thankful for these people.

sliding

Once I stood
now I am slumped
in a pile near the floor
leaning against the wall

I crumbled
then was picked up
by well-meaning friends
and leaned against the wall

Slowly I slid
sliding down the wall
till I became a pile
on the floor against the wall

Responsibility

Strength Finder informed me a year and a half ago that I have the strength of "Responsibility."  This is no surprise to me and probably not to those who know me, either.  It makes me reliable to those who need me.  It also makes my life extremely chaotic.

Anything I do, I want to do well.  I also do not want to let down or disappoint those who are relying on me.  As a result, even when I am over-committed, I find myself pushing through.  If I back out of a commitment, the task now becomes a burden to someone else.

Enter Fall 2011.

I am working three jobs, taking 14 credits, auditing an additional 3 credits, involved in ministry at my church, participating with a chapel worship band, working out 3 days a week, meeting weekly with 2 individuals (not counting the 6 mentor meetings which I have as a part of one of my jobs), and trying to take care of my physical and social lives as well.  Something has got to give.  I barely have time for homework.  One friend observed today that they have not seen me working on my homework once since school started 3 weeks ago; instead, I'm working on grading everyone else's (that's my other 2 jobs).  His statement was pretty accurate.

So now comes the time when I let someone down.  I say 'no' to something.  I might even back out of one of my commitments.  This stuff kills me.

Chaos

It seems like a bit of irony that I have had this blog going for a while now and have not once (yet) admitted to the chaos that is my life.  But it seems quite appropriate now!

Having just started a new school year a week ago, I've received an onslaught of questioning: "how was your summer?'  I must admit, I ask the question frequently as well!  My answer is pretty simple.

What summer?

I had a week between Finals Spring Semester and beginning my Summer courses - a week filled with reading the 600-some required pages of reading for the speed course that I took that first week of Summer classes.  My classes ended August 11th and I started my leadership position and preparing for the new school year on August 12th.  A vacation to visit family was squeezed in at the end of June, but that was about it.

Since starting the Fall semester activities three weeks ago, I have had 2 weekends out of town and helped with our New Student Orientation.  I'll be out of town again next weekend (this time for a much-needed vacation which I hope is relaxing).

During the retreat this past weekend (which wasn't as relaxing as I had hoped), I received a challenge: Are you scheduling God into your day or are you spending time with Him?

Conviction.

Just before finishing my Summer classes, my sister-in-law and best friend suggested I spend a couple hours at a park not far away, sitting and waiting on God to move.  My answer?  I don't have time.  I had a lot to get done to finish my classes and a short amount of time to do it.  I was up against a deadline.  I'll find time next week.

But next week came and went.  I still haven't made it to the park, even through I've driven through that area of the city more than once.  My time with God is merely a task to check off my daily to-do list, right alongside brush your teeth and eat dinner, possibly slightly higher than wash your face.

Chaos is a part of life, especially for this college-student.  But I needed that reminder to seek the calm in the midst of the chaos.  This is what life's truly about.

The Broken Picker

A nice long weekend away has come to a close.  Its bittersweet.  I greatly enjoyed the leadership training and time spent in late-night conversation with a couple friends...

A theme began to develop with our late-night conversations: the broken picker.

A psychologist told me that there are 4 reasons why a man is single at my age:
    1) he has a broken picker
    2) he has a fear of commitment/marriage
    3) he is divorced (which means his picker is probably broken)
    4) he is a widower

After mentioning this to my friends, we were left to contemplate the question: why am I single?  We all began to realize that we, like many men, have a broken picker.  We fail to recognize the quality men around us and instead find ourselves selecting men who are broken, entering into broken relationships.

I wonder if these four categories accurately reflect every - or even the majority - of singles in their late- 20's and 30's, but it certainly is some challenging food for thought!

Reflecting... And Praising

I feel like I’m running on empty.  This Summer has been kinda dry.  I read my Bible and I end up with more questions than I have answers. Again and again.

But, looking at where I’m at now and back at other times in my life where I’ve been in this place, I find that what I need, personally, is not answers.  I don’t need knowledge or application.  I simply need to get on my feet, realize I’m where God has me right now, and praise Him.  As I look back, I can see how time and again worship has gotten me through difficult seasons... dry seasons.  

It is during these times when the things I know in my head have the opportunity to play out in my life.  During these seasons, truths can be expressed through action.  Truths like our duty to rejoice through suffering.  1 Peter 1:6-8, “So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.”

If my faith is going to bring praise to God, I want to be the person to start - I want to be the first person to praise Him.  

Recipe Time! Raspberry Rosemary Chicken

I actually posted this online a few years ago, but I figure its time to pass it along here.  After making a batch of raspberry jam a few weeks ago, I decided it was time to pull out this favorite recipe and use it again.  I forgot how much I love it!  And, best part is... its pretty simple!


Ingredients:
1 tablespoon crushed rosemary
1 teaspoon rubbed sage
1/2 teaspoon dried oregano
4 skinless, boneless chicken breast halves
1/4 cup fat-free chicken broth
1/2 cup raspberry preserves
1/2 teaspoon honey dijon mustard
1 teaspoon chopped rosemary leaves

• 
  
• - Mix together the first three herbs and rub on one side of each chicken breast.  Place chicken in a baking dish and add in the chicken broth.
• - Bake for 20 minutes at 350.
• - Warm raspberry preserves in the microwave for 15-20 seconds and mix in the honey dijon mustard and rosemary.  Spoon over chicken and bake an additional 10 minutes.

I hope you enjoy this as much as my family and I!

A Response to Dating

A few weeks ago I sat down to coffee with a girl friend.  Dating became the topic throughout most of our conversation as we shared with one another our heartbroken stories.  We weren't trying to tear apart the men who broke our hearts and were instead trying to grapple with dating and trusting God with our broken hearts.

At one point my friend looked at me and said "I don't think dating is working.  But I don't like the alternative either.  I don't know what the answer is."

This sentiment seems to be echoing throughout Christian culture and I heard a similar slam a few days later from a Christian psychologist who was frustrated with the way Christians are handling dating today.

This is also a topic of conversation on Boundless and was blogged about today by Suzanne.  Suzanne had a great perspective.  Speaking specifically about Joshua Harris' I Kissed Dating Goodbye, she says "The principles within encouraged me to remain pure and exercise wisdom in romantic relationships. Those are things that protected my self-worth and purity, led me to a healthy relationship, and continue to bless my marriage."  Pulling the spiritual truth from what we're reading, and applying that truth to our lives sounds like a concept all too familiar to anyone who's taken a class from Ray Lubeck!  And that's exactly what Suzanne did.

But what struck me most was not what Suzanne said, but third comment down: I learned not to do the bad things, but I did not learn how to do the right things either.

Hmm.  He's right.  Learning to do the right things is just as important as learning not to do the bad things.  I believe that's why Paul always provides a list of things that the believer should be doing right after providing the list of activities a believer should be avoiding.

But, like my friend and this commenter, I think we still need to answer the question: what are the right things and how do we do them?  Right now the only answer I have is this: be willing to take a risk and trust God regardless of the outcome.

After a heartbreak several years ago, I needed to give myself some time to heal.  Two years ago, a guy caught my eye.  I prayed and prayed, "Lord, if this isn't going to end in marriage, please don't let it happen; I can't handle another heartbreak."  But I realized that, in order to give any relationship a fair chance, I would need to be willing to risk having my heart broken again.  It took me another year to get to that point.

But just because you are willing to take the risk doesn't mean that it will work out.  That's why its a risk. And, regardless of the outcome, you have to be willing to trust God's promises for you.  Promises of hope and a future.  Promises to satisfy our heart's desire.  But we must trust in Him, delight in Him, and glorify Him... regardless.

The Love of Friends

This week has been very rough.  But survivable thanks to the love of friends.

I've received so much love and support over the past few weeks and it has been a blessing to continue to have friends rally around me.  Last night I met two friends at Pied Cow (a very Portland-y dessert and coffeehouse).  One commented how the majority of people allow others (often including themselves) one month of mourning before its time to get back on your feet.  But it often takes longer than that.  She then encouraged me to take my time.

The imagery she gave me was beautiful... A friend of hers had an engagement called off a few years before.  At one point, she saw the friend heaped on the floor crying.  Well-intentioned friends would come by, grab an arm and try to pull her back up.  Walking away, another friend would come by and do the same thing.

But what none of them saw was that Jesus was on the floor with her.  He was holding her, sobbing with her, stroking the hair back from her face, and drying both their tears.

Wow.  I had begun to think that God was silent.  But He is on the floor with me, crying with me.

As another friend commented earlier in the week, I do not just have a wound... I have a scar re-opened.  Its going to take time to heal.  But I am thankful for the love of friends who are giving me time (at least for now) to go through the healing process and to mourn.

Summertime Recipe #4 - GUAC!

Another great side-dish recipe for BBQ's this Summer is the infamous guacamole.  I feel I have finally found a great blend of seasonings and have mixed up this guacamole more than once (and in more than one state) so far this Summer!  The flavors are simple so as to not crowd out the marvelous avocado.  It goes great with other simple recipes, like the Berry Salad posted earlier!

GUACAMOLE
- 1 avocado
- 1t garlic salt
- 1/2t crushed red pepper flakes
- 1/2t chili powder

Cut open and peel the avocado, setting the pit aside.
Using a fork or food processor, begin mashing the avocado until soft
Add seasonings and continue mashing, blending seasonings throughout the guacamole.
Add additional seasonings to taste; feel free to leave chunks of avocado, according to your liking.
Add the pit back in.

While many people add lemon juice to keep their guacamole from browning, adding the pit back in works even better without needing to worry about a sour taste.  Mmmm.... so delicious!  Check back for some fun recipes to use your guacamole in soon!

Rejection isn't rejection when...

Rejection isn't always rejection.  It may feel like rejection when someone turns their back on you... someone you thought was a friend or wanted as a friend... But sometimes friendships (or relationships) don't work out for other reasons.  So here are the rules for rejection...

Rejection isn't rejection when...

...they never knew you.  Its true: sometimes, people don't give us a chance.  A friendship or a relationship never gets off the ground.  So, if they walk away... they're not rejecting you.  They can't reject you if they never knew you to begin with.

...its more about them than it is about you.  This means they leave the friendship or relationship because of their own issues - fear or their own psychological disorder or whatever.  In this case, they're not rejecting you.  They might be rejecting everyone.  It might look like you're the only one they're rejecting, but if its because of their own issues... they would have rejected anyone who held the role you had in their life.

...the person doing the rejecting is an asshole.  The definition of asshole?  "a stupid, mean or contemptible person... a worthless and annoying person."  Face it: you're better off without them.

I'm there for you...

I'm nearing the end of a very difficult week.  Despite being close to engagement with my boyfriend, things came to a screeching halt.  Last weekend I kissed him goodbye for the very last time.

One of the disappointments of this week has been hearing (time and again) "I'm here for you if you need anything" and finding my friends missing when I call.  My best friend lives more than 3000 miles away.  We've talked on the phone several times throughout the week.  Another close friend was on a family vacation.  Other friends that I would consider close have seemed to go running.

This leaves me reflecting on friendships... Six months ago I posted a blog expressing my thankfulness for these two close friends.  But even the closest of friends cannot always be there for you.  Its bittersweet.

Summertime Recipe #3

I was turned onto quinoa recently.  After having it for the first time, I decided to check out its nutrition information... Although it is a grain, it is also a decent source of protein and minerals; and being a grain, it is also filling and has a nice nutty flavor without being too powerful.  Although it is just beginning to pick up again, it is commonly referred to as "the gold of the incas."  Some people may see quinoa as a "fatty" grain, but like avocados, the fat of quinoa is "good fat" and excellent for anti-aging and antioxidants.

So, with that introduction to quinoa, let me introduce my new "salad!"

QUINOA SALAD

- 1 1/2 cups uncooked quinoa
- 3 cups chicken broth 

• - 1 lb meat (beef, chicken or lamb), cut into 1/4-inch cubes
• - 3 tablespoons coconut oil, divided
• - 1/4 cup chopped fresh basil
• - 3 tablespoons fresh lemon juice
• - 1 1/2 tablespoons Dijon mustard
• - 2 teaspoons grated lemon rind
• - 1/2 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
• - 3 garlic cloves, minced
• optional add-ins:
• - 1 medium chopped tomato 
• - 1 large chopped avocado
• - 1/2 cup chopped carrot
• - 1 (15-ounce) can black beans, rinsed and drained
• - 4 oz feta cheese

Preparation

• Combine quinoa and chicken broth in a saucepan; bring to a boil over medium-high heat. Cover, reduce heat, and simmer 15 minutes or until broth is absorbed and quinoa is tender. Remove from heat.
• Meanwhile, melt 1 T of the coconut oil and saute meat.  Once meat is cooked, add remaining 2 T coconut oil to melt the remaining oil.  

• Add basil, lemon juice, Dijon mustard, lemon rind, pepper and garlic into meet, mixing thoroughly. Stir in quinoa.
• Refrigerate and chill completely.
• Just before serving, add any combination of the optional ingredients to create your own unique flavorful spin and dish up!

A poem

Tears spill unbeckoned
Eyes swollen and red
Please, please stop

Despair tightens my chest
Sorrow and grief hold tight
A challenge to breathe

Swallow, swallow, must swallow
Desire and hunger vanish
Food forced down

Goodbye

22 days to forever, but forever never comes...

Waiting

I hate waiting.  And in all honesty, I don't know anyone who enjoys it.  (If you do, there's something wrong with you!).

Today I am waiting for my boyfriend to figure out what time we're meeting up so we can go ice skating.  I'm even waiting to see if that's still the plan.

This week I'm waiting to hear something from my job.  Its temp-work, so I'm constantly waiting for a phone call from them.

This month I'm waiting for.... well, I guess its not really waiting.  But I'm waiting for my Summer classes to be over so I can actually enjoy part of my Summer!

This year I am waiting for graduation.  Again, its something I have to work towards; and next Summer I will get to fully enjoy my Summer.  Or start a job, in which case I'll be working.  Either way.

There's something about waiting that can be so frustrating.  It means that something - or a lot of things - are out of my control.  But not everything.

Today I can get ready for my day and do some productive things until its time to go meet up with my boyfriend.

This week and this month I can work hard on my Summer classes so that I have time for work and can enjoy Summer sooner.

This year I can (and will be) working very hard to ensure I graduate in May - a full year early!

So, what are you waiting for?  And what tasks does God have for you in the meantime?

Summertime Recipe #2

I love snacking on fresh fruits throughout the Summer and I have a bit of a weakness for avocados... Introducing a new and easy way to eat avocados!

AVOCADO SNACK

- 1 avocado

- 1-2 oz light cream cheese

Its quite simple; open and peel avocado, then chop in chunks.  Cube the cream cheese and add it in.  I eat mine in a bowl.

If you're only going to eat half the avocado (which is what I normally do with the large avocados), then be sure to save the pitted avocado.  The pit will help prevent browning.  Add a little Fruit Fresh to help fight against browning even more.

Sum-sum-SUMMERTIME!

Okay, Summer is here.  And I am all about fresh eating when Summer comes.  I thought I'd share a few of my favorites so far this Summer...  So, here is #1 of a list of this year's Summer favorites (which are not in any particular order as I am still discovering new favorites this Summer)!

BERRY SALAD
- strawberries
- raspberries
- blackberries

Rinse & chop strawberries; rinse raspberries and blackberries, too!
Then toss them gently in a bowl and, wah-lah!

Of course you can do any mix of berries, but for a BBQ during my first week of summer break I used these berries and they complimented one another perfectly.  Definitely a favorite so far this Summer!

Being an auntie

I absolutely love my role as an aunt.  I enjoy my time with the three kids I get to call niece and nephews.  I love going to visit, laugh, and play.

But this week I get a brand new experience as Auntie.  My oldest nephew has been visiting Nana and Papa and then came to visit Grandma and Grandpa (my parents) last week.  It has been a lot of fun hanging out and playing with him while he was in town.

But today was entirely new.  While he went to the Children's Museum with Grandma and Grandpa, I did loads of laundry and packed both mine and his bags.  Tomorrow, I will take him home.  While it is not a very long flight (about 8 hours, including our lay-over), its a different experience traveling with someone, packing for him, and taking care of him.

While I am excited to one day become a parent, I thought parenthood was something I was completely unprepared for.  But taking care of my nephew, watching out for him, packing for him, and cooking and baking for him has shown me that I am more prepared than I thought.  Not to jump the gun or anything, but this has made me realize on a new level that... I am ready to be a mommy!

(That is not to say that motherhood is coming - it most definitely is not!)

The things you learn in school...

In reading the first chapter assigned for my Sociology course, I came across a list of technology communication terms - you know, things like "lol" for "laugh out loud" and "jk" for "just kidding."  The list had about more than a dozen terms.  Most of them I had never heard before.  So, I guess I've learned that I'm old and out of touch with American culture.  Either that or the authors are (I could make a case for this - they did not include jk, lol, bff, ttyl, or omw which are, in my friend circle at least, some of the most common abbreviations).

In reading the next chapter assigned, I came across several statistics such as
- the average American eats 3 hamburgers and 4 servings of french fries per week!
- the money spent on fast food in the United States is greater than the amount spent on newspapers, magazines, books, music, movies, videos, computers and - get this - higher education... combined!
Again, I discover I am out of touch with American culture.  I have not spent more than $50 on fast food this year (and that is including Subway, the 'healthy' fast food) and I have probably consumed that many fast food hamburgers and french fries in the past 6 months, not in the past week!  Yet the amount of money I spend on books and education are, well, a whole lot higher...


Oh, the things you learn in school.

The Love Dare

I am contemplating trying out The Love Dare.

My boyfriend, Matt, has been in Mexico since the 1st and will be returning at the end of the month.  Being apart for a month is - well, interesting.  I am not sure how to describe it.  We hit a really rough spot right before he left and not being able to communicate has been challenging.

But it has also been good.  I've had time to reflect on myself and our relationship and I'm realizing that I'm not a very good friend.  Being a good girlfriend can be far too convoluted, so I try not to make any evaluations on that level.  Expectations vary far too much.

But after reading this blog I realized that if I want to move towards marriage in this relationship (and I do), I need to be a better friend.  And Hyatt's advertisement for a best friend brings out several of my shortcomings as a potential mate.

Enter The Love Dare.

I had already been thinking about this book for a few weeks and in reading Hyatt's article I realized that I need some assistance in becoming a better friend.  While The Love Dare is focused on helping marriages improve, many of the Biblical concepts presented can apply to all sorts of relationships.

But I still worry.  When it says "Love is patient" I find I have a small doubt which asks but how long will I have to wait?  There is a delicate balance between taking the risk in a relationship which allows the opportunity for love to grow and protecting myself by evaluating if this relationship is worth the risk.  I don't want to put my whole heart into a relationship with someone who doesn't reciprocate.

Am I selfish?  Where is the Biblical response to this?  As far as I know, there isn't a clear response because ancient methods of courtship were designed to handle this balance for us.  But in today's society, how do we strike the balance... and is there a Biblical response?

I suppose I should wrestle with this a little more before I decide whether or not to give The Love Dare a try.

(Also, as a disclaimer, in glancing through the different "dares" throughout The Love Dare I realize that there are some dares, such as initiating sex with your spouse, which I would not do.  The Biblical principles involved with those dares are clearly designated for marriage relationships only.)

Separation

A month of separation begins today.

To be fair, it might be only 29 days.  Matt leaves tomorrow early in the morning (which is just a few hours away since it is after midnight now) and hopes to be back on the 30th.  He's returning on standby, so who knows when he will actually get back.

It will be hard not to miss him.  Thank goodness there is Skype!  Although we probably won't be able to video one another, he'll be able to call me over Skype fairly easily.  Though I doubt we will talk more than a few times, it will be a blessing to hear from him when I do.

They say distance makes the heart grow fonder.  I most certainly hope they're right!  Yet I also hope that he has an amazing time with his family.

As I think back over the past four months (its amazing to think that it has only been 4 months!), I am amazed at how quickly and easily this man has become a comfortable and expected part of my life.  I love the moments when we laugh together, the moments when he opens up and shares his heart, and the moments when he puts an arm around me or reaches out to hold my hand.  I will miss these most.

Yet, we've also had our moments of intense challenge - we've fought and disagreed and feelings have been hurt on both sides.  Yet all of these serve to prove to me that we can make it - we have been able to overcome arguments, compromise, and reconcile ourselves.  These will be key for any future we may have together.

Perhaps I'm premature in even considering that aspect (especially so publicly).  But, alas, I am a girl and I do hope... ;)

Trust

Trust
Do I trust?
Do I dare?
Fear creeps in
Circling like a hawk.
Faith,
Where have you gone?
Will you return?
Can I come to you?

Faith
I pursue
Unceasingly I chase
Unbidden, I follow anyway
Trust
I choose
Anchoring upon the Faithful
Worshiping the Worthy One

An end... A beginning

Life is full of endings.  And beginnings.

This week we had a final team dinner with our Commuter Life Team for this year.  Interviews for next year's team were completed almost two months ago, and I am excited for next year.  But watching these friends finish their time at Multnomah and launch off to new beginnings is a bit surreal for me.

My boyfriend is among the 2011 graduates.  Watching him finish his final assignments this week I keep thinking one word: done.

Done?  Jealousy has certainly crossed my mind.  In one sense, I am eager to be done with homework and deadlines and return to the life of the 8-5.  I miss having evenings open - wide open - to read, watch TV, or hang out with friends (or my boyfriend).

Yet, in the midst of that jealousy I sense a few other feelings among my friends.  These feelings can probably boil down to one word: bittersweet.  I can see that they will miss spending all day, every day, with their friends - even if that is in class and studying in the library and pushing earbuds into their ears in an attempt to drown out the noise of the dorms.  I can see that they will miss the mental stimulation brought on by constant learning.  And I can see that they will miss knowing "what's next" and that any difficult classes will be over soon (the "I just have to make it through finals mentality).

So, as I face 2 more days of classes and 2 more days of finals, a week off and then Summer classes, I hope to keep these things in mind.  Yes, this may be emotionally and mentally draining, but there is something to be enjoyed here which I might soon miss.

A Bundle of Joy

This afternoon, I had the pleasure of visiting one of my best friends at the hospital and meeting her day-old son.  Titus was, of course, precious. 

It was a joy to hear her express the experience of giving birth to me.  I had the privilege of being in the room when my niece was born five years ago.  Hearing the description of Titus' birth just reminded me how vastly different the experience can be for different women.

Holding Titus (after he came back from "testing"), I was amazed at the bundle of joy in my arms.  His skin was absolutely beautiful.  His expressions were adorable as he reacted to voices and lights around him. 

I enjoyed the few minutes I got to hold him.  And I look forward to being a part of his life.  I am excited to watch my friend enter into motherhood and am eager to see her grow and experience all there is to experience in raising a little one.  I smile at the thought of him scooting along the floor 8 or so months from now...

Yes, he is a bundle of joy.

The speed of life

I often doubt that the speed of light is faster than the speed of life.  Have you ever noticed how quickly life changes?!  Granted, there are the moments when life slows wayyyyy down.  My two closest friends have been experiencing that - one is waiting for her husband to come home from deployment; waiting for information on when his deployment will end.  The other is waiting for her first child to decide he or she is cooked enough and ready to come out and greet the world.

Yes, we all have our moments of waiting.  But then there are the moments when we simply wish life would slow down a little so we can have time to catch our breath!

I have been in the latter camp for the past month.

Four weeks ago, I began dating a guy I have been interested in for about 7 months.  Moving from "interested" to "boyfriend" happened SO quickly and I feel I am just now beginning to catch my breath.

Two weeks ago, I was informed that tuition would be increasing significantly next year.  Suddenly, I am faced with multiple decisions about school - how do I finish without a huge loan?  All at once, I find my plans changing significantly and I am now anticipating graduating next year.

Sometimes life moves quickly; sometimes changes come suddenly and take us by surprise.  I'm just glad God gives me the strength to hang on!

Headaches... and diet?

I feel like I have tried nearly everything in an attempt to vanish the headache that lingers.  Finally, I have found some relief.  I'm not sure if its from the change in my diet, using oils, or just getting back into a routine with treatments.  I won't complain, so long as it keeps working!

Changing my diet has been CRAZY!  To begin with, breakfast is mandatory.  But not just that, it must be either high grain/fiber or include protein.  Preferably both. 

Second, as much as I am able to, I am cooking from scratch.  Pre-processed, boxed or frozen foods are out.  This is much harder than it seems because it is now necessary for me to cook for myself once or twice a week.  I don't mind this change at all, it simply adds another task or two to my weekly list.

Third, and related to the first two, is increasing my protein intake as well as adding tumeric and marjoram to my diet.  Tumeric is a natural anti-inflammatory.  Marjoram is a natural muscle relaxant.  Both are great for the body, especially my body with all the muscular problems I wrestle with.

While my headaches have not completely disappeared, at least I have days without them again!

Five years ago today...

Five years ago today, I made the hardest decision of my life.  I ended a relationship.  I walked away from a dream.

I'm glad of this: five years ago today, I did not know today.

I did not know where the path would lead.  I might have been overwhelmed.

I say this, but what I do not mean is that I have any regrets.  I look back on this day five years ago and I perceive the best decision I have ever made (with the exception of my decision to follow Christ). 

The road this decision has led me down has been most challenging, but also most rewarding.  But who is to say a different decision would have been less challenging?  It most certainly would not have been rewarding.  Not in the least.

Today, I look back on a day which was, well, good.  But this week is not filled with memories of things which are good.  It is a week of difficult memories.  Processing them (yet again) has not become easier with the passage of time.  Instead, it has grown with difficulty.  Yet, someday, the pain will ease.

Someday, the pain will ease.

tumeric

Today is day 26 of my headache.  I have had a mere two days without a headache during these 26 days.  One of those days was after an acupuncture treatment (but I have had 3 treatments during this time, and the other two treatments failed to relieve the headache for more than a few hours).  The other of those days was after taking a large dose of pills (and mixing prescriptions with over-the-counters... On that note, I should make it clear that I have discussed this combination with my doctor and he has given the okay to take this combination).  Needless to say, I cannot maintain that method!

So now I'm trying to do two things.  1) Try to find out what is causing this headache.  2) Try to find alternate methods of relieving this headache.

Introducing tumeric.  Tumeric is a spice which works, among other things, as a natural anti-inflammatory.  I was given a small amount of tumeric essential oil.  The down side is that it stains your skin (tumeric is a bright, bold yellow).  Applying this at the source of my headache, the stain is covered by my hair.  However, it is not hidden when I apply it at the pressure points between my finger and thumb.

Since beginning to apply tumeric oil, my headache has not ceased.  But, it has proven to be far more effective than the 800mg of ibuprofen which I was taking every 4 hours.  The tumeric oil typically relieves my headache for about 6 hours.

But since tumeric is a spice, it can also be taken orally.  Here is a list of the majority of the health benefits which can be derived from tumeric in oral form (the following information is taken from http://www.healthdiaries.com/eatthis/20-health-benefits-of-turmeric.html):

     Turmeric is one of nature's most powerful healers. The active ingredient in turmeric is curcumin. Tumeric has been used for over 2500 years in India, where it was most likely first used as a dye.
     The medicinal properties of this spice have been slowly revealing themselves over the centuries. Long known for its anti-inflammatory properties, recent research has revealed that turmeric is a natural wonder, proving beneficial in the treatment of many different health conditions from cancer to Alzheimer's disease.
     Here are 20 reasons to add turmeric to your diet:

1. It is a natural antiseptic and antibacterial agent, useful in disinfecting cuts and burns.
2. When combined with cauliflower, it has shown to prevent prostate cancer and stop the growth of existing prostate cancer.
3. Prevented breast cancer from spreading to the lungs in mice.
4. May prevent melanoma and cause existing melanoma cells to commit suicide.
5. Reduces the risk of childhood leukemia.
6. Is a natural liver detoxifier.
7. May prevent and slow the progression of Alzheimer's disease by removing amyloyd plaque buildup in the brain.
8. May prevent metastases from occurring in many different forms of cancer.
9. It is a potent natural anti-inflammatory that works as well as many anti-inflammatory drugs but without the side effects.
10. Has shown promise in slowing the progression of multiple sclerosis in mice.
11. Is a natural painkiller and cox-2 inhibitor.
12. May aid in fat metabolism and help in weight management.
13. Has long been used in Chinese medicine as a treatment for depression.
14. Because of its anti-inflammatory properties, it is a natural treatment for arthritis and rheumatoid arthritis.
15. Boosts the effects of chemo drug paclitaxel and reduces its side effects.
16. Promising studies are underway on the effects of turmeric on pancreatic cancer.
17. Studies are ongoing in the positive effects of turmeric on multiple myeloma.
18. Has been shown to stop the growth of new blood vessels in tumors.
19. Speeds up wound healing and assists in remodeling of damaged skin.
20. May help in the treatment of psoriasis and other inflammatory skin conditions.

Mmm... Mornings

The warmth of a down comforter as I slowly stretch under the covers...

...the smell of coffee brewing as I step out of the shower...

...leisurely contemplating some Pauline literature...

...eggs rising to golden, fluffy perfection in my breakfast casserole...

...a phone call from a dear friend...

...the golden rays dancing on my face through the window...

There's just something about Saturday mornings.

Emotional Release

There's something about writing which, for me, provides an intense emotional release. 

I began writing "Elsa" over the summer.  It was, at that time, not exactly about me and most certainly not intended to be a story.  It was a sketch; the tale of an hour of time, of an experience supremely significant yet hardly memorable (this was true for both the reader and Elsa, the character). 

When I received the assignment to write a short story, I immediately thought of Elsa.  Could I write anything better?  But it was not a short story.

With the things I've learned about short story in class and through additional dialogue with the professor, I began to see the potential to alter "Elsa" from sketch to short story.  But could I do this without compromising the effect which it was written for?

So I began to write... And "Elsa" is becoming more and more about me; a picture of my life.  And, although I am still not finished, I am drained.  To commit myself to paper is exhausting.  It is vulnerable and intimidating.  It is also both beautiful and spiritually beautiful.

What I should be

I should be crushed; I’m optimistic.  I should feel discouragement and a lack of hope, but instead I find myself eager to see what tomorrow brings.  Disappointment eludes me.  Am I avoiding something inevitable?  Emotions unavoidable?  What I do not feel, I cannot force myself to sense.  What is not within, I cannot place into existence.

A fear begins to creep – am I numb?  Have I grown unfeeling and insensitive?  No, this cannot be.  For I feel.  I feel love; a desire to nurture and to care.  I feel compassion and sympathy (though not pity).  My heart feels.  It feels for another more than it feels for itself.  And it trusts.  It hopes.  It believes.  God has Another in His hands.  I trust.  I hope.  I believe.  I am not outside the protection of God's hands.  I should be crushed; I’m optimistic.

The Lens of Grace

In friendship, especially those deep friendships which suffer trial, there is a need for continual grace and forgiveness.  I am the lucky recipient of such friendships.

Over the past month or so, I have had one friend drop everything to sit and cry with me.  Another friend has been on her knees to such an extent that I feel her prayers carrying me.  She also stayed up until nearly 3:30 one morning with me, chatting and giggling like schoolgirls at a sleepover. 

In expressing my gratitude to the latter of these two friends, I said "I don't know why you love me so much."  To this she replied simply, "The Lens of Grace." 

It is through the glasses of God's forgiveness, love, and - yes - grace that we are able to stand side-by-side after seven years of friendship.  We've both hurt one another.  I failed to be there for her during a time of great need and she has wounded me as well.  But we've pledged to be faithful.  Our friendship has gone through ups and downs; I don't doubt that more challenges will face us in the future.  But I am eternally grateful for her love and forgiveness.  It is a love unmerited and a forgiveness unearned.  I simply pray that I can be as great a friend to her as she has been and is currently being for me during this epoch.

Day 1 in Acts

I've always heard Acts described as being the story of the early church.  While it describes events relating to the early church, it is hardly a story about the early church.  What I mean is, the early church is not the main character of Acts.

So, who is the main character?  Well, let's think through an outline of Acts...

We begin with Jesus, post-resurrection, pre-ascension.  He talks with the Twelve, reminding them of the things He had told them before.  He reminds them of the "Great Commission" and then He ascends. 

(On a side note, when Jesus ascends, the disciples - and others - stand googlie-eyed, staring at the sky and a couple of angels - uh, men in white robes - come and say, "hey guys, what's up?"  And they say "Uhh... Jesus? (this is said in a perplexed tone filled with bewilderment) He just ascended into the clouds..." (of course they do this without taking their eyes off the sky) and the angels say "in the same way He left, He'll come back."  Most sermons will teach us that Jesus will descend from the clouds.  Could be.  But its more fully supported to argue that "in just the same way" means that He will come unexpectedly, just as He left unexpectedly...  Food for thought.)

So Jesus is gone, and who takes the main spot next?  The Twelve, with Peter at the forefront.  Pentecost happens and Peter and the Twelve preach and many are saved.  Peter remains in the spotlight for a while, but before you start to think Peter is the main character he more or less leaves the story.  In chapter 6 the Twelve select the Seven, two of which are Stephen and Phillip and we find Stephen taking the spotlight and by chapter 7, he is preaching (a very eloquent speech if you ask me!) and becomes the first martyr.  So, Peter is out and Stephen is out.

The story doesn't turn back to Peter, but instead briefly introduces Saul and then we find Phillip preaching.  The narrative then returns to Paul and, with few - if any worth noting - exceptions, follows Paul from then on.

So some argue that Acts is about Paul - his conversion and his ministry.  But that doesn't jive.  He isn't even present, except for a brief mention of his presence in chapters 7-8, during the first 1/3 of the book.  Hard to believe he is the main character.

So who is present throughout?

The Message.  The Message which Jesus reminds the Twelve (which is actually down to Eleven at this point) of before His ascension.  The Message which Peter preaches.  The Message which the Twelve - err, Eleven - preach.  The Message which Stephen and Phillip preach.  The Message which Saul receives and Paul preaches.

So, what is the book of Acts about?  The Message and its spread throughout Jerusalem, Samaria and the uttermost parts of the earth.

Waiting

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience

While I'm waiting I will serve You
While I'm waiting I will worship
While I'm waiting I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait
(While I'm Waiting, John Waller)

These lyrics have touched my heart this past week.  Sometimes, waiting is a choice.  We have the option to wait on the Lord or to forge ahead with our own plans when His lag behind "my" schedule.  But sometimes, waiting isn't a choice.  A friend is waiting for the Lord to answer her prayers for a child; there is nothing she can do to "make it happen."  She must wait on the Lord.

But these lyrics don't just touch on a willingness to wait - they also touch on the attitude of waiting.  There is a willingness: "though it is painful, but patiently I will wait" (the second verse says "faithfully I will wait").  Waiting is hard.  And, yes, often painful.  It can be painful to watch friends younger than you marry and have children while you are still waiting for God to provide a spouse.  "But patiently...faithfully... I will wait."

Yet the attitude of waiting in these lyrics go beyond that.  They are also active.  "I will move ahead bold and confident, taking every step in obedience.  While I'm waiting, I will serve You... I will worship... I'll be running the race even while I wait."  I love that the "moving ahead" is only in obedience.  Sometimes, even as we wait, there are steps we need to take that are steps of obedience.  I have to ask myself: am I rejoicing with those who rejoice?  Am I being faithful in my relationship with God?  Am I being faithful to pray for others and not just about my own dreams and desires? 

Am I serving God in and through my waiting?  Am I worshiping God in, through, and because of my waiting?

"I'll be running the race even while I wait."  I deeply desire to be faithful to God as I wait.  I may be waiting for a spouse.  And maybe at some other time in my life, I might be waiting for a child or a job offer or who knows.  But even while I'm waiting for one thing, God has a task for me in the meantime.  I want to run the race He has set before me, serving Him with a heart of worship.

Relaxing Productivity

It seems like an oxymoron.  But there is something about scratching off items on a to-do list which can bring such a great relief that I finish the day feeling relaxed and refreshed.

Today was such a day.  I am sure I lost count of the loads of laundry I completed - towels, blankets, sheets, clothes... Last terms' notebooks were emptied and the notes were filed away.  Summer shoes were packed away for the winter (I still needed them when classes started in August!) and scarves were pulled out.  It was a highly productive day!

On top of that, I also was able to stop by my grandma's and visit her for a couple hours this afternoon.  With my mom we munched on coffeecake and grandma gossiped about church and her family and reminisced the wonderful days she used to share with grandpa.  Its good to have her home and out of the hospital.

What makes a day like today, which was so full, feel so relaxing?  On the one hand, I think it feel relaxing because, at 6:30 in the evening, I can relax with a days' worth of tasks completed.  Additionally, I can also look at tomorrow and tomorrow's list is extremely shorter than today's list was!  Its a breath of fresh air to have accomplished so much.  It is a day which was filled with relaxing productivity.

The Power of Music

My heart was heavy this morning.

Sometimes my heart is heavy and my soul weighed down and I don't know why.  That was this morning.

As I was getting ready for church, I decided to turn on some music.  I love preparing for my day with music - not necessarily worship songs, but simply worshipful songs.  It just starts my day on the right foot.  It puts my life into the perspective of God's goodness.  Unfortunately, I am rarely able to do so without waking up the entire house.  But this morning I was home alone, and turning on the music while I got ready was just what I needed to take the weight off my heart and lift my soul.

In moments when I feel heavy, I've found that the most helpful thing I can do is to begin to worship.  It may not begin in my heart, but as I sing out a joyful noise to the Lord, my heart begins to follow.  The words become intimately true as I exalt God for who He is.  God is who He is, regardless of my circumstances.  It is the power of music to not only remind me of that, but also to wipe away my circumstances as I narrow in on God's undefinable presence.