"How are you?"
"Good." But I'm not good today. I'm discouraged and apathetic.
What happened to being genuine? With being honest with our friends?
When I was 13 I recognized this problem within myself. I wrote a short "story" about how I put a mask on every morning, painting my face with concealer... mascara... blush to brighten my smiling cheeks. But, despite my efforts at externals, I was unable to paint a smile on my heart.
A friend shared during devotions at Retreat in September about masks as well. Wretched things that we put on so that we can portray to others the person we want to be... the person we think they expect us to be. But who can live up to the expectations they portray?
How am I today? Well, I'm not doing so hot... but God is still on His throne and I know a better day will come my way.
November 5, 2010
November 1, 2010
clarification
I fear I may have been misunderstood to some degree with my last post, based on the comments I have received both on-line (including on the link on facebook) and verbally. While it is true that I expressed my own personal dreams, my point in writing was not for myself only.
I have full confidence in God and His ability to orchestrate the events of my life to fulfill His perfect plan. My concern is truly with the dilemma which our society has provided to many young women today.
Our society is increasingly delaying the age and time for marriage. In doing so, women who desire marriage and family are forced to enter into a career for a seemingly prolonged time. Granted, for some women this "prolonged time" is only a few short years, but for others this "prolonged time" can be well into their 30's. It is growing more and more common for women headed to their 20-year high school reunion to be traveling there with a toddler (or sometimes even with a full, round belly up front!).
Understanding that a women is entering into a stage of her life which involves a career comes with two major ideas.
First, that this "stage of life" is ambiguous. Like I mentioned already, this stage of life could be for a few short years. But there is no guarantee that this stage of life will ever come to an end.
Second, because this stage of life is ambiguous, there enters a pressure to embark on a career which can be enjoyed in the long-term. Should the ambiguous unfold into a permanent status, a woman wants to be doing something which she can enjoy as her life's work.
Now, to get to the point of the dilemma which I attempted to articulate yesterday. For many women, the career she chooses involves a certain level of required training. And this required training often involves time at a college, university, or trade school. Attending one of these institutions requires money, and since most families (especially with today's economy!) are unable to pay for college outright, the woman who desires to be a SAH (stay-at-home) wife and mother finds herself taking on student loans.
But taking on student loans means that these loans must be repaid.
So, now let's look at the hypothetical. We now have a young woman who has the average in student loans (roughly $20,000) and meets the man of her dreams, gets married, and wants to start having children and raising a family. But she is bringing into that family the added burden of $20,000 in loans (which can be in the ballpark of $350-400 in a monthly payment if the family is trying to pay off this loan in 5 years).
Can we say ouch?!
Like many young, single woman, I find myself hesitant to pursue my career dreams because doing so will involve significantly more than the average in student loans (let's face it, graduate work isn't cheap and financial aid is few and far between!). It is a dilemma facing many today.
At this point, I am striving to not worry about this decision. I'm striving to put Christ's words into action: "So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own" (Matthew 6:34). Still, I think this problem is prevalent enough that it warrants discussion.
I have full confidence in God and His ability to orchestrate the events of my life to fulfill His perfect plan. My concern is truly with the dilemma which our society has provided to many young women today.
Our society is increasingly delaying the age and time for marriage. In doing so, women who desire marriage and family are forced to enter into a career for a seemingly prolonged time. Granted, for some women this "prolonged time" is only a few short years, but for others this "prolonged time" can be well into their 30's. It is growing more and more common for women headed to their 20-year high school reunion to be traveling there with a toddler (or sometimes even with a full, round belly up front!).
Understanding that a women is entering into a stage of her life which involves a career comes with two major ideas.
First, that this "stage of life" is ambiguous. Like I mentioned already, this stage of life could be for a few short years. But there is no guarantee that this stage of life will ever come to an end.
Second, because this stage of life is ambiguous, there enters a pressure to embark on a career which can be enjoyed in the long-term. Should the ambiguous unfold into a permanent status, a woman wants to be doing something which she can enjoy as her life's work.
Now, to get to the point of the dilemma which I attempted to articulate yesterday. For many women, the career she chooses involves a certain level of required training. And this required training often involves time at a college, university, or trade school. Attending one of these institutions requires money, and since most families (especially with today's economy!) are unable to pay for college outright, the woman who desires to be a SAH (stay-at-home) wife and mother finds herself taking on student loans.
But taking on student loans means that these loans must be repaid.
So, now let's look at the hypothetical. We now have a young woman who has the average in student loans (roughly $20,000) and meets the man of her dreams, gets married, and wants to start having children and raising a family. But she is bringing into that family the added burden of $20,000 in loans (which can be in the ballpark of $350-400 in a monthly payment if the family is trying to pay off this loan in 5 years).
Can we say ouch?!
Like many young, single woman, I find myself hesitant to pursue my career dreams because doing so will involve significantly more than the average in student loans (let's face it, graduate work isn't cheap and financial aid is few and far between!). It is a dilemma facing many today.
At this point, I am striving to not worry about this decision. I'm striving to put Christ's words into action: "So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own" (Matthew 6:34). Still, I think this problem is prevalent enough that it warrants discussion.
October 31, 2010
My life's dream
Many single women I know are currently pursuing degrees and/or careers. Like them, I am dreaming and answering the question "what do I want to do with my life" in terms of career choices. In my mind's eye, I see myself racking up debt as I pursue post-graduate degrees and a career teaching at the collegiate level. Thankfully, I am not yet at the point of racking up debt.
And as I look at the decisions I am making and the decisions many women around me are making, I find myself beginning to fear that all our dreams will come true.
Yes, I am currently on a path to become a professor. And I often find myself excited at the prospects ahead of me on this path. But, no matter how excited I become, deep down, I'm afraid.
I'm afraid because this is not my life's dream. My life's dream is not to become a professor at a University. My life's dream is to become a teacher to two or three or four kids as they work through Elementary school. My life's dream is not to be respected at a University. My life's dream is to be loved. I want to be loved by a man and by these two or three or four children. Because, in my life's dream, these two or three or four children are my children and that man is their father and my husband.
My life's dream is to be a wife and a mother.
And that's why I'm afraid. I'm afraid that, as I pursue the education which is necessary for my "plan B" that men will think that my plan B is "Plan A." I'm afraid that they will want to respect my plans to the point that they do not pursue me. I'm afraid for myself, but I'm also afraid for all the other single women who are walking in my shoes with me.
I am not a feminist. I have dreams which involve a career, but mostly because I've discovered that not having a plan B is an enormous risk. And as I begin to catch glimpse of 30 around the corner, I am afraid. I don't want to wake up at 30 and realize that I haven't obtained my life's dream and I am a decade away from any other ambitions. So I'm starting on those "other ambitions." I just pray that I don't swallow my life's dream in the process.
And as I look at the decisions I am making and the decisions many women around me are making, I find myself beginning to fear that all our dreams will come true.
Yes, I am currently on a path to become a professor. And I often find myself excited at the prospects ahead of me on this path. But, no matter how excited I become, deep down, I'm afraid.
I'm afraid because this is not my life's dream. My life's dream is not to become a professor at a University. My life's dream is to become a teacher to two or three or four kids as they work through Elementary school. My life's dream is not to be respected at a University. My life's dream is to be loved. I want to be loved by a man and by these two or three or four children. Because, in my life's dream, these two or three or four children are my children and that man is their father and my husband.
My life's dream is to be a wife and a mother.
And that's why I'm afraid. I'm afraid that, as I pursue the education which is necessary for my "plan B" that men will think that my plan B is "Plan A." I'm afraid that they will want to respect my plans to the point that they do not pursue me. I'm afraid for myself, but I'm also afraid for all the other single women who are walking in my shoes with me.
I am not a feminist. I have dreams which involve a career, but mostly because I've discovered that not having a plan B is an enormous risk. And as I begin to catch glimpse of 30 around the corner, I am afraid. I don't want to wake up at 30 and realize that I haven't obtained my life's dream and I am a decade away from any other ambitions. So I'm starting on those "other ambitions." I just pray that I don't swallow my life's dream in the process.
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