The Importance of Involvement

I was reminded this morning of the importance of involvement and serving in the Body of Christ. 

Growing up in the same church from the time I was 9 until I turned 27, I became involved in serving when I was 12.  While there were brief moments when I was not involved due to my work schedule, for the most part I served at the church for 15 years.  In the process of serving, I was fulfilled.

Serving was not only emotionally satisfying, it was also where I built relationships.  Every Wednesday evening, Sherry and I would chat between activities with the children.  Before I knew it, we were fairly close.  A few times a month, I would play bass with the girls for worship.  Before I knew it, we would be looking for each other on Sunday mornings.

A few months ago, through a series of events and circumstances, I have been looking for a church to call home.  And this morning, it hit me: the reason why I don't feel "at home" in the churches I've visited is quite simply because I am not involved.  I haven't invested myself in a home group and I haven't served inside the church either.

Serving and using my strengths will provide me with the opportunity to connect with other members of the church and begin to fulfill my purpose in the Body of Christ.  After all, isn't that what we were called for?

Crying like Crazy

I'm not sure why, but my emotions have been absolutely crazy for the past week!  I've been crying at the drop of a hat.  Its been insane.  And rather annoying since I'm not typically an emotional person!

On another note, I've found a renewed glimmer of hope for my health.  I have an MRI scheduled for Thursday morning and there's a surgeon I will meet with after the MRI images have been read by the radiologist.  I just hope this doesn't end up leading to more tears!

Friends, Rejoicing, and Babies

After a great time with one of my best friends the other night, I drove us back to my house where she had left her car.  As we said goodbye, she thanked me for being excited about her pregnancy and the upcoming birth of her first child...

How could I be anything but excited? 

She recognizes that I am older than her... and it should be my turn first (or something like that).  I will admit - it would be easy to think this way.  I should have been married first; I should be the one preparing a baby room.  But I'm not and she is.  She is expecting a baby while my left hand remains naked.  She's right.  It would be easy to be upset, disappointed, and hurt.  It would be easy to feel left out.

But, again I ask... How could I be anything but excited?

Would it be fair of me to try and take her joy away from her simply because I do not have a joy of my own?  Would it be right of me to try and make her feel guilty simply because she has something that I don't?  Instead, I think of the great advice from God on this subject...

Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep. Romans 12:15

This is the way our friendship works.  That night, she wept with me as I grieved over my singleness (and finding yet another guy who will not be "the one").  We wiped our tears and hugged.  She grieved with me and comforted me.  That night, I rejoiced with her as she placed my hand on her stomach to feel the baby kicking.  We laughed at her story of her trip up the elevator at work and how a co-worker noticed her entire stomach move with the kick of her baby inside.

I may not have a child inside my barren womb.  But I will have the joy of visiting her in the hospital in a few short months.  I will be able hold and cuddle with that bundle of joy.  I'll have the pleasure of visiting her at home and taking care of the little one while she takes a much needed nap or shower.  I'll even change diapers for her.

I am blessed beyond measure.  I may not have a ring on my finger and I may not have children of my own.  But I have two best friends - one who has already given me three little loves and another who will be giving me a bundle of joy in a few short months.  I am blessed because these wonderful friends love me enough to share their joy with me. 

Yes, I am blessed and I will rejoice with my friends as they rejoice.

migraine

Pounding, piercing pang

Palpitating, pulsating pressure

Pinching, purring pitch

Punctures, punishing pain

Pitching, punching, pummeling

Thrash, throb, thump

Thrust, thunder, throe

Thresh, thrill, throw

Thrum, thankless thud

Thinking threatens, thwack

fermentation

I want to hide
Scared to abide
with arms wide
open


Inside I scream
Words unseen
I patch the seam
closed


Masquerade in drapes
(the fruit of grapes)
Vulnerable scrapes
forever


Cry these tears?
Ignore the sneers?
Unveil all fears?
never

 

To be known

Hungering
for companionship
Aching
from solitude
Boldness
portraying confidence
Weeping
to be known

Known
to my deepest depths
Pursued
even when I run
Fulfilled
depths unimaginable
Satisfied
by my Husband, my Maker

Making the Connection

High School was supposed to prepare students for college.  And college is supposed to help prepare students for employment.  But how are colleges doing this?

Admittedly, colleges are often failing.  In college, students learn that they can turn assignments in after the deadline and they still pass the class.  They simply get docked 5 points or 10% or whatever the professor has determined.  In contrast, if I missed the deadline of sending a file to the bank at my last job... my company could get fined upwards of $5000 and this would likely put my job in jeopardy. 

In college, not reading the guidelines on the study guide could greatly effect your grade.  But many professors allow you to go back and correct this.  However, at my last job, if we didn't follow the guidelines from the Feds, we would be fined $5000 for the first mistake, $10000 for the second mistake, and $15000 for every mistake after!  Needless to say, someone would face some serious consequences!

Granted, there are also significant differences.  In college, each professor is somewhat like a "boss" (if we're trying to make a parallel).  Each professor gives you different tasks to work on (reading, papers, reports, etc.) and each task has its own deadline.  If all the deadlines fall on the same day, well, guess what?  You better find a way to work it out.

In the corporate world, if there were two big projects coming our way, those projects would be divided among employees so that each person had a manageable work load.  Deadlines could be spaced out and would be adjusted as often as possible.  An employee typically has only one or two bosses and there is a chain of command in which an employee can appeal to when necessary.  This doesn't happen in college.

How well we prepare ourselves for the corporate world is often dependent on the student.  Understanding the way that the corporate world connects is helpful in learning the skills necessary while in college.  And this disconnect, in my opinion, is the cause for colleges and universities failing to prepare students for Corporate America.

Vulnerability

If I let you in.... will you hurt me?

I look back at the friendships I've had... friends that have come and gone... and I wonder what happened... and I ask "where did you go?" because those friends are no longer near me. 

Some moved off to college after high school or after a year or two at community college.  Cell phones were still mostly considered a luxury then and we didn't have them, so keeping in touch became nearly impossible.  Others just slowly dwindled and now I haven't seen them in years.  And here I am.  I guess you could say I've moved on... But it somehow doesn't feel right to say that I've "moved on" from friends that were once so dear.

I've begun some new friendships.  Those, too, have changed during different courses of life.  Sara was forced to move across the country.  I no longer have regular afternoons of chatting with a bowl of popcorn.  I started back to school and I no longer have weekly lunch dates with Cassie.  Jenn started going to a new church and our weekly chats after service came to a stop (this is actually true with multiple people!).  And, with the change of distance or activity, and the limitations of time, these friendships have faded, ceased or taken on a new form.

And that change is painful. 

So here I am.  I'm at a crossroads (of sorts) with you.  This crossroad is not something spoken; its something I sense.  Soon you'll graduate, and I'll graduate, and we'll head off in the directions God leads us.  We'll both be excited for one another.

And it will hurt. 

If I let you in.  If I choose to trust you.  If I make myself vulnerable.

That's a decision I have to make.  I'm not sure what I'll decide.  All I know is that, either way, I will feel pain.

The Joy of Accomplishment

Today I went back to my old cafe job and worked a couple hours.  I was a little nervous I might have forgotten little things - where to find straws or whatever.  Thankfully, I felt right at home.  My memory is sometimes better than I give it credit for (but it can also be worse than I think it is!).

The thing that surprised me the most was how much I enjoyed those two hours.  It was great seeing my boss again.  It was also great finding a sense of accomplishment.  Less than two hours and I felt like I was a big help.  I was able to cover things so my boss could sit down and eat some dinner (she rarely takes a break).  I was also able to get a lot of the stocking done for her.

Often, work becomes... well, work.  It becomes a burden, an obligation, a heavy load.  But this evening reminded me that it doesn't have to be.  It can also be a joy.

Final Thoughts to Ponder (at least on this topic...)

This is a final portion of my thoughts on a dilemma (previously posted here (the dilemma) and here (initial response)) grounded in Milton's Paradise Lost.  Reading the previous posts will be essential to understanding what I share in this post...

 

ADAM’S FAITHFULNESS

                In Adam’s final plea, he entreats Eve to “leave not the faithful side that gave thee being, still shades thee and protects!” (Milton, Book 9, 265-266).  In this appeal, we see Adam asserting his faithfulness to Eve.  He had been ever-present with her and desires for her to return the sentiment.  It seems that Adam fears physical separation to be synonymous with unfaithfulness (this idea is fully presented in this article).  Second, Adam asserts his ability to provide defense for Eve.  He sees himself as a shield between her and the enemy. 

Adam’s final line in this portion of the dialogue is telling of events to come.  Adam asserts that he is the one “who guards her or with her the worst endures” (Milton, Book 9, 269).  This reiterates Adam’s faithfulness to Eve and claims that, even if she does not allow him to be her guard, he will still remain true to her, enduring whatever may come her way.  CS Lewis provides a precise term for this commitment which Adam expresses: uxorious.  Adam sees that he will not be able to sway Eve from her decision, so he takes an inferior status in their relationship.  He allows her to make the decision and he willingly obliges to her whim.  Since Adam’s loneliness prior to Eve’s creation was so severe, he determines that company with her in death is superior to life without her, though he remain in Paradise. 

This is further emphasized by Eve’s words to Adam at the conclusion of the chapter:

Being as I am, why didst not thou, the head,

Command me absolutely not to go,

Going into such danger as thou saidst?

Too facile then thou didst not much gainsay,

Nay, didst permit, approve, and fair dismiss! (Milton, Book 9, 1155-1159)

Here, Eve points the blame at Adam.  He was “the head” and therefore had the responsibility of leading her, not permitting or approving of her own resolutions.  Yet, Adam did not choose to assert his authority and instead, as Lewis rightly terms it, behaves in uxoriousness.

                When Eve tells Adam of her “fatal trespass” (Book 9, 889), Adam responds with another statement of faithfulness.  “We are one, one flesh: to lose thee were to lose myself” (Book 9, 958-959).  Adam understands that it may be possible for God to create another woman for him, but he determines that he wants only Eve, understanding that they were “one flesh.” 

After both Adam and Eve eat of the forbidden fruit, their first action is to have sex – to partake in the action which epitomizes their union as one flesh.  Adam had feared being alone forever, so he eats of the fruit offered by Eve, thus ensuring their eternal union and then he immediately requests that they “play” due to his intense lusting (Book 9, 1027-1033).  While Lewis’ interpretation of these lines are a mark of the fall,[1] it can also be seen as telling of Adam’s motivation.  He wants to remain “one flesh” with Eve and so he executes two actions.  First, he eats of the fruit, ensuring that they will not be separated by death.  Second, he leads her to have “their fill of love and love’s disport” until they are “wearied with their am’rous play” (Milton, Book 9, 1042, 1045).

Adam’s fear of renewed solitude outweighs his fear of any other consequence.  This includes both death and separation from God.  Adam had God’s presence prior to Eve’s creation, yet he still had an awareness of a keen need which was not fulfilled by God’s presence[2].  This need was fulfilled by Eve, therefore Adam chooses Eve and the fulfillment which he derives from her presence over Paradise.  Adam’s sin is, then, rooted in his creation: he has a need for companionship and chooses to fulfill that need when he eats of the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil.

---

[1] The distinction between Adam and Eve’s sexual interaction before the fall in comparison with their sexual interaction after the eating of the fruit is indeed notable, though Waldock argues against this distinction being as notable as Lewis or I give Milton credit.

[2] It is important to note that this need was not necessarily sex; it is not explicitly defined as such by Milton.  Additionally, from a Biblical perspective, it is important to note that God does not fault Adam for desiring companionship.  Contrastly, God affirms this desire by stating “it is not good for man to be alone.”  Therefore, it can be inferred that there was something about God’s relationship to Adam on earth which was unsatisfying and was meant to be unsatisfying.

More Thoughts to Ponder

In a recent post I posed a question raised by my reading of Milton's Paradise Lost.  In essence, the question was: why would Adam choose Eve over God?  (For a full disclosure of the dilemma, read the post).

Here are further thoughts which lead towards a potential solution to this problem:

In Book 9 of Paradise Lost we discover Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden on the morning of the renowned fall.  Eve asks leave of Adam and a conversation ensues.  In this conversation we hear Adam at variance with the notion that Eve be separated from him.  The reasons he presents are clear: Eve is not strong enough to withstand the foe without his assistance and security.  Eve is indignant at the suggestion that she is, while alone, unable to resist temptation.  Thus, Adam’s reasoning simply serves to fortify Eve’s resolve. 

                

The motives for Adam’s fear of separation seem to stem from his desire that he not be left alone.  It is significant that Adam never expresses his own susceptibility to temptation in his discussion with Eve.  If Eve is liable to temptation while she is alone, why is Adam not similarly vulnerable?  I believe this idea of Eve’s susceptibility being greater than Adam’s vulnerability is supported textually by Milton.  As Milton depicts Satan’s monologue of viewing the garden and the first man and wife within the garden, Satan is excited not by seeing Adam alone, but in seeing Eve by herself. 

               

One way to view this move is simple and straight forward: As Satan wanders within the garden, he first sees Eve.  In seeing Eve, he sees a vulnerable human (regardless of name, personality, or gender) and makes his move.  Eve is susceptible enough that Satan does not need to look for any other options of vulnerability (namely, Adam).  He has one door open and has no need to seek additional open doors.  Another way to view this move is to see a greater vulnerability in Eve than that which exists within the character of Adam.  This would be supported by Adam’s lack of mentioning his own frailty. 

DIFFERING VIEWS OF SOLITUDE

                 

Background to Book 9 reveals to us two very different experiences of solitude.  On the one hand, we have Adam experiencing solitude prior to the creation of Eve.  His solitude leaves him feeling highly dissatisfied.  After naming the beasts, he expresses his disappointment to God: “In solitude what happiness, who can enjoy alone?” (Milton, Book 8, 364-365).  Despite the happiness available to him, Adam clearly states that he does not believe that he can enjoy Paradise without a companion with which to enjoy Paradise with.  As Mary Beth Long points out, “Adam’s first use of the term ‘solitude’ is to indicate a lack” (Long, 3).  In this, it seems that Adam notices a lack and determines that this lack is caused by his being alone.  God responds to Adam’s complaint by demonstrating that happiness is available to Adam; Adam is simply refusing experience this pleasure until he has a companion (Milton, Book 8, 399-402).

                 

Although God seems to find a fault in Adam’s stubbornness in these lines, he still recognizes Adam’s request for a mate as something that is good[1].  As a response, God creates Eve.  Since Eve’s creation is a solution to Adam’s solitude, Eve’s purpose for existence (in Adam’s mind) becomes the relief of Adam’s forced loneliness (Long, 4).  Therefore, when Eve desires to leave, Adam is once again experiencing an involuntary solitude.  So, in Adam’s mind Eve is forsaking her God-given purpose for existence.

                 

Adam’s past experiences of solitude were negative.  Adam does not have any positive connotations to solitude from his own experiences.  With this perspective, it can be understood how Adam is unable to imagine that Eve would willingly desire solitude.  In Adam’s understanding the idea of contentment and solitude are as oil and water. 

                 

In contrast, Eve’s experience of solitude was cut short.  She hears a voice call to her, and in responding her solitude comes to an end.  In this, we can infer that Eve did not have a chance to experience enough solitude to see the loneliness of it.  Perhaps she would be on the same page as Adam if she had simply had more time in solitude prior to her introduction to Adam.  Instead, she does not sense a need for a companion prior to her receiving companionship. 

                

 Despite Eve’s eager and determined attitude toward separation from Adam in this scene, it can still be noted that her desire for solitude is as a temporary status.  Her suggestion to Adam that they work independently of one another is simply for one morning and she anticipates reuniting at noon (Milton, Book 9, 219).  Eve’s desire for solitude also seems to be self-focused.  Her self-focus is first seen in Book 4 (lines 449-471) as Eve sees a reflection of herself and seems content to gaze at her own beauty until she is distracted by “a Voice [which] warned” her (467).  Her self-focus is emphasized in this dialogue[2] as Eve expresses her determination to work with the rose bushes.  Contrastly[3], Eve does not express any care over Adam’s location or occupation for the morning.  She encourages Adam to go “where choice leads” him, and never asks him where he is going or what he will be doing (Milton, Book 9, 205f). 

                

Throughout their dialogue, “Adam manages to avoid admitting his unwillingness to let Eve work alone (and to be alone himself) by reminding Eve that Satan is on the loose” (Long, 8).  Perhaps Adam’s self-assurance is genuine and he truly feels that, by himself, he is strong enough to stand against the Fiend’s attack.  Or perhaps it his sense of obligation in protecting Eve which causes him to fear for her vulnerability without considering that he may be likewise susceptible. 

---

[1] Long explains this in describing that God has a different view of solitude and, once Adam grasps an understanding of different perspectives of solitude, God provides Adam with a reward: Eve.  Alternately, we can see that God clearly states that “it is not good for man to be alone” in the Biblical account of Genesis (although, at the end of creating every other thing God stated “it is good”).  While we should not confuse Milton’s depiction with the Genesis narration, the Genesis narration serves as a groundwork for Milton’s depiction and, therefore, we can see simply something that Milton expresses with detail and vividness.

[2] Book 9, 204-411

[3] This is a Deanna-ism meaning “in contrast”

Prayer, please!

I have to begin this blog by admitting my own failure.  In beginning to send out a request for prayer, I realized that I have not been praying myself.  So here I am, not asking simply for you to pray for me, but instead asking you to join me in praying...

This weekend has been extremely difficult physically.  I rarely experience this much piercing pain, and the pain is nearly constant.  Tingling is pretty normal and I am typically able to do self-therapy to improve that.  However, this weekend the pain is everywhere from my neck down, on both sides, and the tingling is hard to relieve.  On top of that, I have taken so much medicine that I am also struggling with feeling nauseous. 

My appointment with the surgeon is on Tuesday.  Pray that my pain does not hinder my ability to think clearly.  And pray that the surgeon is given wisdom regarding my situation and we can determine if surgery is truly a good option.

I must admit, I hate asking for prayer for my pain.  I look back on what I've just written and I feel as if I'm expressing a pity-party.  Where is the hope?  Where is the optimism?  My hope is in God.  He will be my strength. 

The story of the 2nd half

Really, there are two stories. 

One, USC defense.  They came out on fire.  They dominated the 3rd quarter.  They boosted the energy in the coliseum and invigorated their offense.  And they held the Irish back for the 3rd... then they held the Irish back for 10 minutes in the 4th.  Interceptions were the highlight, but only a small part of the story.  The defense just plain shined.

Two, play calling.  But this is hardly a story.  It is rather a theme for the entire season.  Kiffin continues to make questionable and strange play calls.  I mean, come on... he called the exact same play 4 downs in a row, and it took all 4 downs to punch it into the end zone from the 9-yard line.  Granted, the calls had some improvement in the 4th.  But, as good as the defense was playing, the USC points should have been much higher than 16 when the Irish finally scored with less than 3 minutes remaining on the clock. 

Should have been, but they weren't.

So when the Irish finally got things together, they didn't have far to go.  And one interception for the Irish defense was all they needed.

God Knows

One day last year I spent a day fasting and praying about a situation I was facing.  I learned a lot during the 24-hours that I spent in prayer and fasting.  It was going to be a busy day for me, but I knew that I needed to stop and spend a day seeking the Lord so I spent the time I would have been eating and making my meals in the prayer chapel at my school, praying instead.   

I had already prayed about the situation, but what I hadn’t done was stop. Telling God about my problems is only one half of what should be a two-way conversation.  So, I spent that Wednesday listening.   

Skipping the time I normally spend making my breakfast, I drove to school early and went into the prayer chapel for a few minutes before heading to work.  I unloaded with the same prayers I had been praying.  I boldly pleading with the Lord, asking Him to provide the answer I wanted just like the crowds of people who came to Jesus and boldly asked for physical healing.

After work, I rushed to class like I do every Wednesday.  But instead of spending the following hour and a half hanging out with friends and enjoying lunch, I again headed to the prayer chapel. 

An hour or more of dedicated prayer time is always a great experience for me.  I am always reminded to let my words be few.  I can begin with a laundry list of things I want to tell the Lord about, but I quickly remember an important thing that is easily forgotten:  God already knows.  He already knows all of my inmost needs and desires.  When I spend a long time in prayer, I’m reminded of that. 

Soon, I shut up.  I remember what King Solomon said, “Do not be quick with your mouth, do not be hasty in your heart to utter anything before God.  God is in heaven and you are on earth, so let your words be few” (Ecclesiastes 5:2). 

God is in heaven and I am on earth.  This reminds me of the overwhelming truth that my view is limited, while God’s view is infinite.  He sees the storm while I see one drop of rain.  He is sovereign. 

Part of my time in prayer that day I opened up my Bible and was reminded of the gentile woman who came and asked Jesus for healing for her daughter.  Jesus' response seems cruel as He tells her “I was sent only to the lost sheep of Israel… It is not good to take the children’s bread and throw it to the dogs” (Matthew 15: 24, 26). 

Amazingly, this Canaanite woman understands what Jesus is saying and does not take offense at this statement (I think I would have!).  She responds by saying, “Yes, Lord; but even the dogs feed on the crumbs which fall from their master’s table” (Matthew 15:27).  Even a crumb from the Lord is a treasured gift, great enough to heal this woman’s daughter. 

I was also reminded of other words Jesus spoke.  “What man is there among you, when his son asks for a loaf, will give him a stone?  Or if he asks for a fish, he will not give him a snake, will he?  If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him!” (Matthew 7:9-11)

God has only good gifts to give me when I ask Him.  But sometimes the things which I think are good are not really best for me.  As a good Father, He wants to only give me the best.  And in His sovereignty, He knows what is best for me – even when I think something else might be better.  I am reminded to ask – and sometimes to ask boldly.  But also to lay down my will, just like Christ in the garden before His betrayal.   

God knows what’s in my heart.  He also knows how best to satisfy those longings and desires.

I didn’t get any answers that day.  In a way, I’m still waiting for an answer.  But I gained so much peace from reminding myself that God is sovereign, that God knows, and that God knows what’s best for me.

First Date (part 2)

So you're on that first date.  The guy asked; the girl said yes.  Maybe the feel is a casual hang-out; maybe the date has a very clear "date-feel."  Regardless, there's a task at hand.  Girls need to express their interest; guys need to make the following hour (or more?) an enjoyable time.

How do you do this?  By being prepared.

Be prepared for communication.  Don't always expect it to happen naturally.  If it does, great.  But if it doesn't, begin to build the foundation for natural communication.  Typically, natural communication grows out of common knowledge… things you know about the other person and the things the other person has an interest in.  So take the time to discover things about each other - their daily interests and maybe a few of their passions.

Before the date, think about what you do and don't know about him or her already and come up with some questions.  If you haven't had much communication prior to the date, here are some starting points...  If you don’t already know the answers to these questions, then ask the questions!

-          What church does he or she go to?  Is your date involved in any ministries at church?  Ask about them!

-          Does he/she work?  …go to school?  What does he like about his job? (Stay on the positive... talking about what you hate about your job doesn't create chemistry!)  What is she studying in school? Work and school are the things in our lives which take up the most time... so ask about them!

-          Does your date have any siblings?  You don't have to find out each family member's life story, but you can get a general idea about his or her family life by asking the right questions... so, ask about them!

If you've had more interaction before the first date, hopefully communication flows more naturally to begin with.  But, this is still the first date and you might still have some butterflies.  If you're having a hard time coming up with some questions to ask, hopefully these suggestions will spark something...

-          What was the last big event your date had that you know of?  Finals?  A review at work?  A mission’s trip?  A visit with family?  Ask how it went.

-          What ministries is he or she involved in, inside or outside the church?  Ask how they're going... If you're involved in a ministry together, you could talk about an upcoming event or activity or any recent ones (are you excited about the high school sleepover next week?  I think the 150-foot slip-n-slide is going to be so fun!)

-          Have you heard of any recent prayer requests?  Ask for an update.

All of these things will show genuine interest, keep conversation moving, and help build the foundation for future conversations to be able to flow naturally without so much effort.

A question to ponder...

I am currently reading Milton's Paradise Lost.  In Book 9, we receive the narration of the fall - the deception of Eve and Adam's decision to eat the forbidden fruit.  (I carefully craft that, for, according to Milton, Eve is deceived and Adam is not, but instead willingly chooses to partake of the fruit Eve offers).

It opens to me a pivotal question.  See, Adam was created by God from the dust of the ground and thereafter Adam sees God face to face and joins in dialogue with God (We are not informed of the frequency of this conversation, either in the Genesis narrative nor in Milton's depiction, at least not from the parts I have read for class.  Yet, we are informed that Adam had dialogue with God at least once in the naming of the animals). 

Yet, when he discovers that Eve has eaten of the fruit from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, he chooses Eve over God.  He chooses "death" (whatever that is, I'm not sure that either Adam or Eve would have been able to understand what death was at this point) with Eve over continuing in Eden with God.  How could he do this?

I think the answer lies in the type of relationship which Adam had with God.  I think the answer is quite simply that we have created a heaven out of Eden, painting a picture of Adam having complete and unhindered access to God.  Yet God is not present when the serpent comes to deceive Eve, nor when Adam discovers Eve's offense.  I think this requires us to re-imagine what Eden was like so that we can better understand why Adam chose Eve over God.

First Date (part 1)

There was a lot of blank staring at my hands.  I didn't realize I was copying his movements until I'd been doing it for... how long?  Well, we'd been sitting there for 15 minutes.  Maybe the whole time?  Say something, say something, say something!  My mind was like a broken record.  But what should I say?

This experience was brought back to my memory recently when I accompanied two friends on what might be considered their first date.  After meeting up at the ice cream shop, I ordered my ice cream and found a table for the three of us... and I finished my ice cream before either had said a single word to the other.  Again, I found my brain playing the broken record.  Say something, say something, say something!  I wish I had telepathic capabilities.

We've all been there.  Some of us more frequently than others.  Sitting there and observing from the outsiders' perspective provided a lot of insight.  I realized things I had learned (rather painfully, I might add) over years of dating.  Based on this experience, I offer the following advice.

Girls - the guy just did his job.  He asked you out... for dinner, for coffee, or for a scoop of ice cream.  Perhaps he was a little more creative and asked to pick you up at 4:30am so you could watch the sunrise over the mountain together.  Hopefully he didn't ask you to go to a movie with him (only because there is no opportunity for communication and you spend your time getting to know someone else's story instead of writing your own).  Maybe he made it clear that it was a date; maybe he didn't.  Nevertheless, he took that first step and now you're headed "out" - somewhere - with him. 

This was a step of pursuing, however aggressive or passive his approach.  Now he needs a little encouragement.  Let him know you're interested, too. 

One way of doing this is to blurt out "Thanks for asking me out to [you fill in the blank]!  I'm glad you're interested in me!  Guess what!?!?  I'm interested in you too!"

Sure, you can do it that way.  But you can also expect him to go running, especially if he opted for the passive approach.  But... maybe I'm wrong and maybe I don't know.  I've actually never tried this approach.  Maybe it would work...

Another way of doing this is to simply act interested.  But I'll get back to that one in part 2.

Guys - Don't assume that just because you did your job that now it’s her turn to do hers.  Some girls are shyer than others.  And even the ones that aren't shy can still be charmed by your stunning good looks and suddenly find themselves tongue-tied.  As I already mentioned, it has happened to me.  It's happened to me even after multiple dates with a guy I thought was amazing. 

Just because you asked her out doesn't mean your job is done.  Your next job is to do what you can to see to it that she has a nice time.   You can do this by letting her know you're interested in getting to know her - who she is beneath the surface.

Ultimately, my advice to both guys and girls is the same: be prepared for communication...

Procrastination

There's something about a weekend that makes one ask the question "what needs to be done?"  And since I have no assignments due this week, I've decided to spend my day procrastinating.  Granted, there are two papers due the week after Thanksgiving... but those can wait.  This weekend, I will simply focus on what is pressing: a few reading assignments (only one left) and a short response to a video (which I need to finish watching).  All in all, not too bad.  So... I will procrastinate.  And I will enjoy the weekend for a change.

surgery?

Yesterday, I found out that there is a surgery that might be able to be done for my neck.  My migraines are triggered by a deviation of a disc in my spine and this deviation has caused a large lump to form next to my spine (possibly scar tissue or possibly joint fluid).  It might be possible to surgically remove this lump.

Until I meet with a surgeon, I can only speculate based on information given to me by my doctor and therapist.  There is a chance that the surgeon might not be willing to do the surgery.  The lump is right next to my spine and about an inch from my brain.  Needless to say, its a very intricate area with high risks. 

I hesitate to get my hopes up for anything more than relief from the migraines.  However, this could make a huge difference for my trap muscle as well, and my trap muscle is the muscle which causes the large majority of my shoulder, neck and upper back pain.

I am faced with two challenges right now.  First, to keep my hopes from getting too high.  Second, to prepare myself mentally for the idea of having less pain.  I'll have to write more on that later (likely after I meet with the surgeon).  In the meantime, I appreciate your prayers... Prayers for wisdom, peace, and discernment on my part.  Prayers for wisdom and discernment on the part of the surgeon as well.  And, if the surgeon agrees to do surgery, then I will need even more prayers! 

Until then.... May I praise God in this storm!

The Jacob Epiphany

I am often amazed at the epiphanies which occur at Bible college.  I shouldn't be.  In my heart, I know that I do not really know my Bible and that there is so much more to discover. Yet, in my head I think that I do know enough of the basics so that my paradigm will remain un-shifted.

Today*, my paradigm was not only shifted, it was thrown out the window of a speeding train.

Jacob.  We all know the story.  Abraham and Sarah had a miracle-son named Isaac; Isaac married Rebekah; Rebekah conceived after Isaac prayed for her.  She soon discovered (through a revelation from the Lord) that she was pregnant with twins.  When the time came, out came Esau with Jacob clutching onto his heel.

The boys grow up.  Esau comes home one day and is starving, so he asks Jacob for some stew.  Jacob offers to give him some stew if Esau will sell him his birthright.  Esau agrees.  Time passes, we don't know how much time, and the time comes for Isaac to bestow the blessings before he passes.  Rebekah talks Jacob into pretending he is his brother Esau; Jacob goes in wearing goat hair and receives the blessing from his father.

And he receives the reputation of being a deceiver.  After all, did he not deceive his father into thinking he was Esau?  And he receives the reputation of being a stealer.  After all, did he not steal the birthright from his brother?

Hold up.  Did he steal the birthright from his brother?  Because when you read Genesis 25, it seems pretty clear that Esau sold Jacob his birthright.  There is no stealing involved.  And before you start to defend Esau, notice what the author says about the exchange:

so he [Esau] swore to him, and sold his birthright to Jacob.  Then Jacob gave Esau the lentil stew; and he ate and drank, and rose and went on his way.  Thus Esau despised his birthright.

Hmm...

As for the deceit, who's idea was it that Jacob go into his father wearing goats hair?

Rebekah said to her son Jacob, "Behold, I heard your father speaking to your brother Esau... Now therefore, my son, listen to me as I command you... so that he may bless you before his death."

So Rebekah tells Jacob what to do and Jacob quite simply obeys.  Yet, can we actually say that the idea was Rebekah's?   

...the children struggled together within her; and she said, "If it is so, why then am I this way?"  So she went to inquire of the Lord.  
The Lord said to her,
    "Two nations are in your womb;
    And two peoples will be separated from your body; 
    And one people shall be stronger than the other;
    And the older shall serve the younger."

So it seems that Rebekah gets her idea from God.  Now, this does not excuse what was done either by her or by Jacob, but it does give some perspective.  It seems to be an honest attempt on Rebekah's part to seek after God and His will.  Not that her method was correct, but we should at least consider that perhaps her heart was.

Also, if Jacob owned the birthright, then who does the blessing belong to?  Jacob.  So he is being obedient to his mother, and is trying to get what legitimately belongs to him to begin with.

One final thought... Jacob was not only a willing participant in obeying his mothers' advice; he seems to have wanted both the birthright and the blessing.  Esau, on the other hand, despised these things.  Why did Jacob value the birthright and blessing so highly?  Genesis 25:27 tells us that Esau was a man of the fields and a skillful hunter.  Jacob, in contrast, was a peaceful man, "living in tents."

Esau spent his time in the fields.  Jacob spent his time in the tents... If Jacob was in the tents, who would have been in the tents with him?  His mom... and his family.  Remember, this is not American culture!  Families stayed together - extended families lived together.

So who would have been hanging out in the tents with Jacob?  Very likely his grandfather... Abraham.  It is very likely he would have grown up hearing Abraham's stories of God... and he would have heard of the promises given to Abraham, passed down to Isaac.  And he would have understood that these promises would belong to the child with the birthright.  And Jacob wanted the birthright.

Jacob wanted the promises of God.  Esau despised them.

* This post was over a month in the making - so "today" does not refer to the day that this was posted, but instead to the day that the writing of this post began.
** Much credit is due to Ms. Domani Pothen, who provided these insights during a British Literature class... although I could not tell you how this tied to any of our readings in British Lit, the insight was still greatly relevant to us all. 

Ephesians

This term I am studying Ephesians for Advanced Bible Study Methods.  I'm working on my 15th assignment this term and I just realized that, although God has been showing me a lot, I haven't shared any of it!  So here's just a little glimpse...

"And masters, do the same things to them..." (Ephesians 6:9)

Paul begins to address how being a child of God should look in our outward relationships half way through chapter 5.  Ephesians 5:21 says, "and be subject to one another in the fear of Christ." 

He then demonstrates what this looks like in the marital relationship between husband and wife, then in the familial relationship of parents and children.  He also demonstrates this in the relationship between slaves and masters.

Being subject to one another when you're speaking to slaves makes sense.  Telling them that this means being obedient - that's just logical.  But then Paul tells the masters to "do the same things to them."  Who is "them?"  Their slaves.  What are "the same things?"  Being obedient and being subject.

Hold up!  Masters are supposed to be obedient and subject to their slaves?  Well, that appears to be what Paul is saying! 

Have you ever wondered why God doesn't condemn slavery in the Bible?  Maybe this is why... Because slavery, done God's way, is a beautiful image of our relationship with Him (after all, doesn't Paul choose to be a bond-servant of Christ?).  Slavery the way we understand it today flies in the face of the picture Paul is painting.  But slavery, done God's way, can be beautiful. 

A good purpose

It can be tempting to think that there's an area of my life where things are lacking.  And as I began to pour my heart out to the Lord this morning, I reminded myself that the Lord knows the things I need.  And then I began to ask "if You know what I need, why haven't you given this to me?"

We can do this with so many different areas of our lives.  My car breaks down and I find myself wondering "why haven't You provided the money for the repairs?"  A friend struggles with constant migraines and we wonder "why haven't You provided healing?"  A missionary's husband dies of malaria and I wonder "why didn't You provide the medicine he needed in time?"  The years tick by and singleness continues and I wonder "why haven't You provided a husband?"  A friend's daughter dies of cancer and we wonder "why didn't You provide more time with her?"

And as I pour myself out to the Lord this morning, I hear the Spirit speaking Truth to me:
    The Lord gives grace and glory;
    No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly.
    O Lord of hosts, 
    How blessed is the man who trusts in You (Psalm 84:11-12)


God does not withhold any good thing from me.  So is fixing my car not a good thing?  Is healing from the migraines not a good thing for my friend?  Is a husband not a good thing?  Is the death of the missionary or the daughter a good thing?

And I realize that this line of thinking is not right.  It makes God the suspect; the fiend instead of the friend. 

If "no good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly," then there are two answers to be seen.  Either I am not walking uprightly or God has a good purpose in each of the situations we may ask about.

The idea I see in "those who walk uprightly" is that if the situations or circumstances are directly linked to a sin, then God may withhold a good thing.  Throughout Scripture we find support which basically boils down to this: We have to live with the consequences of our decisions, good or bad.  (This idea is best illustrated in Galatians 6:7-8).  But of the situations I listed, there was no sin which caused these afflictions.  So that means that the latter must be true:

God has a good purpose in the situation where we may ask "why?"

In our own understanding, there is no understanding.  But God sees a good purpose.  What I need to do is simply rest in this promise.

    Fear the Lord, you His saints;
    For to those who fear Him there is no want.
    The young lions do lack and suffer hunger;
    But they who seek the Lord shall not be in want of any good thing (Psalm 34:9-10)

God likes BBQ

"... the glory of the Lord appeared to all the people.  Then fire came out from before the Lord and consumed the burnt offering and the portions of fat on the altar..." (Leviticus 9:23b-24a)

God tried BBQ for the first time... I'm not completely sure he liked it.  I mean, how often do we try things and decide we never want to eat it again?  Though typically, if we don't like it, we don't consume the food in front of us!  But then comes into play the law of repetition...

He does it again in 2 Kings 1, 1 Chronicles 7, and 1 Chronicles 21.  And if we keep Coldstone in the back of our mind, I'd say He doesn't just like BBQ... He's Gotta Have It*!  And in keeping with the law of repetition... the first time, he tried it... the second time shows that He liked it... the third time shows that He loves it... and the fourth time shows He really loves it and has Gotta Have It*!

* The largest size at Coldstone is the "Gotta Have It" size!

I lied today...

"How are you?"

"Good."  But I'm not good today.  I'm discouraged and apathetic.

What happened to being genuine?  With being honest with our friends? 

When I was 13 I recognized this problem within myself.  I wrote a short "story" about how I put a mask on every morning, painting my face with concealer... mascara... blush to brighten my smiling cheeks.  But, despite my efforts at externals, I was unable to paint a smile on my heart.

A friend shared during devotions at Retreat in September about masks as well.  Wretched things that we put on so that we can portray to others the person we want to be... the person we think they expect us to be.  But who can live up to the expectations they portray?

How am I today?  Well, I'm not doing so hot... but God is still on His throne and I know a better day will come my way.

clarification

I fear I may have been misunderstood to some degree with my last post, based on the comments I have received both on-line (including on the link on facebook) and verbally.  While it is true that I expressed my own personal dreams, my point in writing was not for myself only.

I have full confidence in God and His ability to orchestrate the events of my life to fulfill His perfect plan.  My concern is truly with the dilemma which our society has provided to many young women today.

Our society is increasingly delaying the age and time for marriage.  In doing so, women who desire marriage and family are forced to enter into a career for a seemingly prolonged time.  Granted, for some women this "prolonged time" is only a few short years, but for others this "prolonged time" can be well into their 30's.  It is growing more and more common for women headed to their 20-year high school reunion to be traveling there with a toddler (or sometimes even with a full, round belly up front!).

Understanding that a women is entering into a stage of her life which involves a career comes with two major ideas. 

First, that this "stage of life" is ambiguous.  Like I mentioned already, this stage of life could be for a few short years.  But there is no guarantee that this stage of life will ever come to an end.

Second, because this stage of life is ambiguous, there enters a pressure to embark on a career which can be enjoyed in the long-term.  Should the ambiguous unfold into a permanent status, a woman wants to be doing something which she can enjoy as her life's work.

Now, to get to the point of the dilemma which I attempted to articulate yesterday.  For many women, the career she chooses involves a certain level of required training.  And this required training often involves time at a college, university, or trade school.  Attending one of these institutions requires money, and since most families (especially with today's economy!) are unable to pay for college outright, the woman who desires to be a SAH (stay-at-home) wife and mother finds herself taking on student loans.

But taking on student loans means that these loans must be repaid.

So, now let's look at the hypothetical.  We now have a young woman who has the average in student loans (roughly $20,000) and meets the man of her dreams, gets married, and wants to start having children and raising a family.  But she is bringing into that family the added burden of $20,000 in loans (which can be in the ballpark of $350-400 in a monthly payment if the family is trying to pay off this loan in 5 years). 

Can we say ouch?!

Like many young, single woman, I find myself hesitant to pursue my career dreams because doing so will involve significantly more than the average in student loans (let's face it, graduate work isn't cheap and financial aid is few and far between!).  It is a dilemma facing many today.

At this point, I am striving to not worry about this decision.  I'm striving to put Christ's words into action: "So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own" (Matthew 6:34).  Still, I think this problem is prevalent enough that it warrants discussion.

My life's dream

Many single women I know are currently pursuing degrees and/or careers.  Like them, I am dreaming and answering the question "what do I want to do with my life" in terms of career choices.  In my mind's eye, I see myself racking up debt as I pursue post-graduate degrees and a career teaching at the collegiate level.  Thankfully, I am not yet at the point of racking up debt.

And as I look at the decisions I am making and the decisions many women around me are making, I find myself beginning to fear that all our dreams will come true. 

Yes, I am currently on a path to become a professor.  And I often find myself excited at the prospects ahead of me on this path.  But, no matter how excited I become, deep down, I'm afraid. 

I'm afraid because this is not my life's dream.  My life's dream is not to become a professor at a University.  My life's dream is to become a teacher to two or three or four kids as they work through Elementary school.  My life's dream is not to be respected at a University.  My life's dream is to be loved.  I want to be loved by a man and by these two or three or four children.  Because, in my life's dream, these two or three or four children are my children and that man is their father and my husband. 

My life's dream is to be a wife and a mother.

And that's why I'm afraid.  I'm afraid that, as I pursue the education which is necessary for my "plan B" that men will think that my plan B is "Plan A."  I'm afraid that they will want to respect my plans to the point that they do not pursue me.  I'm afraid for myself, but I'm also afraid for all the other single women who are walking in my shoes with me.

I am not a feminist.  I have dreams which involve a career, but mostly because I've discovered that not having a plan B is an enormous risk.  And as I begin to catch glimpse of 30 around the corner, I am afraid.  I don't want to wake up at 30 and realize that I haven't obtained my life's dream and I am a decade away from any other ambitions.  So I'm starting on those "other ambitions."  I just pray that I don't swallow my life's dream in the process.

Paradigm shift (#2)

I just love the professors who stretch our thinking... 

One of my professors, Dr. Lubeck, is continuously encouraging us to search for the author's intended meaning as we read and study our Bibles... But then I come up with questions like...

In Ephesians 4, Paul quotes/references to Psalm 68... And then Paul provides an interpretation of what "he ascended" means.  Yet, this interpretation does not line up with the psalmist's intended meaning.  So how do we reconcile this?

I wasn't the only one with questions.  How do we explain foreshadowing in the Old Testament?  For example, Abraham's sacrificing of Isaac is often seen as a foreshadowing of Christ's sacrifice...  Can we honestly say that was Abraham's intent?  And here is where things get exciting...

Who is the author of Genesis?  Its not Abraham.  So we're not after Abraham's intended meaning (his thoughts), but the author's.  And the author was Moses (this is debatable by some, but that is not central to this argument...).

So what was Moses' intended meaning?

Genesis is not only a recording of historical facts, it is much more.  Genesis opens with "In the beginning"or in the very first days and concludes with "in the days to come" (Genesis 49, NASB) or at the very end.  So Moses understands that what he is recording is both history and prophecy.

But Genesis is just one book of a much larger book.  And when we look at the Bible in its entirety, we discover in Hebrews that Abraham believed that God could raise his son from the dead.  And if he believed that God could raise Isaac his son from the dead, is not possible that he could have believed that God could raise one of his sons from the dead?

As we study, the intended meaning of the author becomes more and more clear...

(This is a very rough description, so if it doesn't make sense... comment with your questions and I'll do my best to explain better!)

Clean

Rain pours
Thunder rolls
I am washed
I hear Your voice
'Cry out to Me
Cry your fears
Your deep pain
Be free'

feeling love

I've forgotten how to feel
My emotions are numb
My heart remains untouched
What's it going to take
For me to feel love again?
I won't feel love
Until I feel loved
Thank You for loving me

A prayer come true

Being a student at a Bible college, it is really easy to become flippant about the Bible.  Or worse, to become dogmatic about minor points.  Both of these rob joy from the life of the hungering soul.  My prayers have been against this.

Instead, my prayer has been "Lord, reveal Yourself to me as I study... Help me find You in the midst of writing this paper... reading this chapter... studying this passage..."  It is absolutely amazing when this begins to happen.

I didn't realize the depth of God's answer to my prayers until yesterday.  I was meeting with one of my profs - a brilliant mind who I respect immeasurably - and he asked me why I was interested in Ezra.  I'm not even sure why he asked this question; he knew I was writing a paper on Ezra.  But I answered him anyway.

It started with a paper.  But its not even about the paper anymore.  Its... personal now.  I want to understand it and I'm not going to be satisfied until I have a grip on it.

Turns out, I will write a paper on Ezra.  A 15-page or longer commentary in which I examine the text without the aid of a commentary.  In that paper I will present all the problems (or rather the questions) that arise in Ezra.  But I will refrain from drawing any conclusions.  The conclusions are my own.  And, to be truthful, I will need more time to develop my conclusions. 

I'm sure those conclusions will come out.  They'll probably be a vital part of my application paper on Ezra (a separate paper which comes a week later).  But the prayer is coming true before my eyes... and its so much better than anything I could have dreamed.

my therapist loves me...

How do I know this?

She inflicts pain.  Severe, take-my-breath-away kind of pain.  To the point that if she's working on my shoulder from the front, I feel it in my shoulder blade.  And tonight she inflicted pain for an extra 15 minutes.

Yup, my therapist loves me.

Great Conversation

I love how God uses others to shape me.

For weeks, I have been praying (and I continue to pray!) that God will open my eyes and understanding so that I see Him as I study Ezra.  A 21-page term paper which includes a 15-page commentary seems like a really good start!  But my prayer has not been for knowledge only.  I want understanding.  I want God.

I want to see His heart and what He sees.  I want to pursue God as I study Ezra.

Amazing things have been happening as an answer to my prayer.  Really, there are two things, but these two things are happening over and over again and I see each separate event as "another amazing thing!"  (Perhaps miracle, but "miracle" has such a stigma....)

First, excitement.

Typically, whatever I am studying for school is, well, academic.  And when it comes to my devotions, I look for something non-academic so that I can get something which will give me personal application.  When I was in Pentateuch for school, I read John.  When I was in Gospels and Jonah for school, I read Chronicles.  But I am so excited about what I'm learning in Ezra that I find myself reading passages that relate to Ezra in my personal devotion time.

Second, conversation.

Sometimes I bring up what I'm studying (because of the excitement I just mentioned).  Other times, the other person I'm speaking with has actually moved the conversation to Ezra or an idea within Ezra.  And most of those conversations are confirming and sharpening the things I've been seeing.  I walk away from these conversations with confidence that I'm on the right path, and sometimes a little refining of the path as well.

I am so thankful for God's answering of my prayers.  And for the tools (people) He is using in my life to help answer those prayers!  My God is truly amazing.  He deserves my praise!

the best part about the weekend...

At the half-way point of a 4-day weekend, I think  its fitting to remember why weekends are so great...

Football.  Yesterday there were some great games!  And on the weekend, we actually have time to watch them :)  This is especially note-worthy because, after having weekends off for 5 years, I was nervous I might have to miss the games this year.  Thankfully, I only missed a part of one game due to work.  But now that I have weekends off again, it is great knowing I can watch all the games :)

Breakfast.  During the week, breakfast is normally the muffin I grab on the way out the door.  Sometimes I'll have enough time to make a smoothie or pour a bowl of cereal to take with me.  But on the weekends?  I can fry up some sausage, bake a German pancake, pour some OJ, and smother my toast with homemade jam.  On this 4-day weekend, I'm having German pancakes twice.  Because I can.

To-do lists.  Yes, this is a benefit of the weekends.  Like it or not, life includes a to-do list.  And on the weekends, I actually have time to scratch a few things off.  When Monday (or the case of this week, Tuesday) comes along, my list will be a little shorter.

Yes, I love my weekends.  This weekend I may not have the luxury of a nap, but that's okay.  I have football, breakfast, and accomplishment underneath my belt!

At the half...

42-0.  USC v. Cal

The last time USC had a lead over 40 at the half?  2008 in Pullman, WA.  At that game, the score was 41-0 at the half.

In 2008, USC was ranked 6 going into the game and WSU was dead last (or somewhere near that), not winning any games in the NCAA that year (though they did win against PSU that year).

So what does this say about today's game? USC is not even in the top 25.  Cal is not too far behind them, wherever they fall.  Either Cal is having a very off day today, or USC has finally pulled things together.  I have to say, the defense... looking pretty good so far today.

Integrity

What does integrity look like?

- following through with your word
- honesty, despite the cost
- doing what's right when no one is looking
- a clear conscience
- a healthy fear of the judgment of God
- obedience amongst the disobedient
- not caring about the reward

How it plays out can be different for every person, because we all face different situations where we must choose to exercise integrity.  But the most common thing I see at college is the student who answers correctly the question that shows up on most quizzes: "Did you read the assigned chapter(s)?"  That is integrity.

At the half...

USC v. Stanford.  14-14.

Here's the problem: USC defense.  Wrap up, guys!  You can't just tap a guy on the shoulder and expect him to fall down.  You've gotta wrap up and drag him to the ground.

So why is USC missing this?  Because they had no contact all summer.  When you don't hit in practice, you get used to tapping a guy on the shoulder and expecting him to stop.  That's not the way it works during the season!

Who's doing well?

Havili.  He's getting yards and he fights for them.

Why does he have so much success?  Because he doesn't go down.  Even when he gets flipped around by the defender, he keeps fighting.  He back-pedals and picks up extra yards. 

Barkley.  He's threading needles with his accuracy in passing.  Sure, there have been some missed throws, but can you complain when his pass completion is well over 60% (65.9% to be exact)?  And he's continuing to improve.

God's strength and power

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. (2 Corinthians 12:9)

Sometimes I am so thankful for the pain that wracks my body.  Those moments are typically preceded by times when I wish I could be free of pain and live like a normal human being. 

During the times when I wish for healing, I get frustrated.  Recently, the pain has been causing uncontrollable groaning.  I wake myself up in the middle of the night because I am whimpering from the pain and discomfort.  Sometimes, when I'm not feeling prideful, I ask for prayer. 

And sometimes healing comes.  Not complete healing.  And not permanent healing.  But relief comes.  God gives me the strength to do the task in front of me (tonight, the task was finishing a paper and studying for a midterm).  It is in these moments when I feel God's power rest upon me. 

I might still be uncomfortable.  I might still be in pain.  But God's power fills where my weakness fails.

"The Lord gave and the LORD has taken away.Blessed be the name of the LORD." (Job 1:21b)

Beowulf - envy and jealousy

Beowulf has some interesting things to say about envy and jealousy.  On the one hand, it presents jealousy as a socially acceptable motive for violence.  When a death-price isn't paid, the family member has a right to avenge the death of their loved one (which ties to the jealousy they have of that relationship).  But yet, in action, we see Beowulf standing against this type of vengeance.

Similarly, when the dragon has a cup stolen from him Beowulf stands against the dragon's attempts to restore the cup to himself.  This is not quite presented as an acceptable motive, but there is a link between his motive and the motive of Grendel's mother.

At the end of the story, a big question looms: Was it okay for Grendel’s mother and the dragon to seek to avenge the wrongs done to them?  As pointed out previously, when a wrongful death occurred, a death price was supposed to be paid.  It is this very point which is held against Grendel: “he would never make parley… nor pay the death-price” (154-156).  In Seamus Heaney’s translation edited by Daniel Donoghue, a footnote provides insight to this line by explaining, “According to Anglo-Saxon law, a murder or any unlawful killing could be resolved by the payment of a substantial fine to the family of the victim.  It was the society’s means of preventing the cycles of feuds from the beginning” (Donoghue, 7). 

                If this can be held against Grendel, it can be held against Beowulf.  On the one hand, Beowulf’s killing of Grendel is not unlawful, for King Hrothgar has requested it.  On the other hand, the nature of the killing does not give way to being lawful.  There is no mention of a court hearing where Grendel is present.  It is granted that Grendel would likely not have shown up, should a court hearing have been scheduled.  Still, from his mother’s point of view the death would have been unlawful. 

                The dragon had similarly been wronged.  While he slept, an intruder had crept into his howe and selected the dragon’s prized gold-plated cup for himself.  He carried it away and did not leave payment to reconcile the loss.  The dragon in turn begins to search for the stolen cup. 

                Despite the justification which might be provided for both Grendel’s mother and the dragon, Beowulf still steps in to fight both monsters.  More than stepping in to fight them, Beowulf pursues them.  He travels to their homes (or closely nearby) and initiates the battles.  In both cases, it seems that Beowulf is stepping in to preserve the kingdoms and communities which are suffering the consequences of the vengeance of the monsters. 

                When the dragon searches for his cup, he creates a path of destruction.  Homes and lands burst into flame as the dragon breathes fire from the sky.  The bard paints a picture of fire stretching acre upon acre; the Geat land had become a lake of fire.  The dragon’s vengeance is not restrained to the intruder and recovering the stolen cup.  Instead, the dragon’s vengeance reaches “far and near” (2317).

                Similarly, when Grendel’s mother seeks to avenge the loss of her son, she should have been after Beowulf alone.  Instead, she takes the life of Aeschere.  Her vengeance is not restrained to the man who took the life of her son.  Instead, her vengeance reaches into the home of Aeschere, his family, and his friends. 

                When Beowulf attacks and kills Grendel’s mother, the “cycle of feuds” (Donoghue) is put to an end.  The deaths of the Danes were avenged with the death of Grendel and the death of Aeschere was avenged with the death of his mother.  Similarly, when Beowulf attacks and kills the dragon, another cycle of feud is put to an end.  With the death of the dragon comes an end to his harrowing of the land of the Geats.  Beowulf stands up for the nations under attack.  In essence, Beowulf says vengeance is not acceptable, for when it remains unchecked it will destroy a nation.