Vulnerability

If I let you in.... will you hurt me?

I look back at the friendships I've had... friends that have come and gone... and I wonder what happened... and I ask "where did you go?" because those friends are no longer near me. 

Some moved off to college after high school or after a year or two at community college.  Cell phones were still mostly considered a luxury then and we didn't have them, so keeping in touch became nearly impossible.  Others just slowly dwindled and now I haven't seen them in years.  And here I am.  I guess you could say I've moved on... But it somehow doesn't feel right to say that I've "moved on" from friends that were once so dear.

I've begun some new friendships.  Those, too, have changed during different courses of life.  Sara was forced to move across the country.  I no longer have regular afternoons of chatting with a bowl of popcorn.  I started back to school and I no longer have weekly lunch dates with Cassie.  Jenn started going to a new church and our weekly chats after service came to a stop (this is actually true with multiple people!).  And, with the change of distance or activity, and the limitations of time, these friendships have faded, ceased or taken on a new form.

And that change is painful. 

So here I am.  I'm at a crossroads (of sorts) with you.  This crossroad is not something spoken; its something I sense.  Soon you'll graduate, and I'll graduate, and we'll head off in the directions God leads us.  We'll both be excited for one another.

And it will hurt. 

If I let you in.  If I choose to trust you.  If I make myself vulnerable.

That's a decision I have to make.  I'm not sure what I'll decide.  All I know is that, either way, I will feel pain.

The Joy of Accomplishment

Today I went back to my old cafe job and worked a couple hours.  I was a little nervous I might have forgotten little things - where to find straws or whatever.  Thankfully, I felt right at home.  My memory is sometimes better than I give it credit for (but it can also be worse than I think it is!).

The thing that surprised me the most was how much I enjoyed those two hours.  It was great seeing my boss again.  It was also great finding a sense of accomplishment.  Less than two hours and I felt like I was a big help.  I was able to cover things so my boss could sit down and eat some dinner (she rarely takes a break).  I was also able to get a lot of the stocking done for her.

Often, work becomes... well, work.  It becomes a burden, an obligation, a heavy load.  But this evening reminded me that it doesn't have to be.  It can also be a joy.

Final Thoughts to Ponder (at least on this topic...)

This is a final portion of my thoughts on a dilemma (previously posted here (the dilemma) and here (initial response)) grounded in Milton's Paradise Lost.  Reading the previous posts will be essential to understanding what I share in this post...

 

ADAM’S FAITHFULNESS

                In Adam’s final plea, he entreats Eve to “leave not the faithful side that gave thee being, still shades thee and protects!” (Milton, Book 9, 265-266).  In this appeal, we see Adam asserting his faithfulness to Eve.  He had been ever-present with her and desires for her to return the sentiment.  It seems that Adam fears physical separation to be synonymous with unfaithfulness (this idea is fully presented in this article).  Second, Adam asserts his ability to provide defense for Eve.  He sees himself as a shield between her and the enemy. 

Adam’s final line in this portion of the dialogue is telling of events to come.  Adam asserts that he is the one “who guards her or with her the worst endures” (Milton, Book 9, 269).  This reiterates Adam’s faithfulness to Eve and claims that, even if she does not allow him to be her guard, he will still remain true to her, enduring whatever may come her way.  CS Lewis provides a precise term for this commitment which Adam expresses: uxorious.  Adam sees that he will not be able to sway Eve from her decision, so he takes an inferior status in their relationship.  He allows her to make the decision and he willingly obliges to her whim.  Since Adam’s loneliness prior to Eve’s creation was so severe, he determines that company with her in death is superior to life without her, though he remain in Paradise. 

This is further emphasized by Eve’s words to Adam at the conclusion of the chapter:

Being as I am, why didst not thou, the head,

Command me absolutely not to go,

Going into such danger as thou saidst?

Too facile then thou didst not much gainsay,

Nay, didst permit, approve, and fair dismiss! (Milton, Book 9, 1155-1159)

Here, Eve points the blame at Adam.  He was “the head” and therefore had the responsibility of leading her, not permitting or approving of her own resolutions.  Yet, Adam did not choose to assert his authority and instead, as Lewis rightly terms it, behaves in uxoriousness.

                When Eve tells Adam of her “fatal trespass” (Book 9, 889), Adam responds with another statement of faithfulness.  “We are one, one flesh: to lose thee were to lose myself” (Book 9, 958-959).  Adam understands that it may be possible for God to create another woman for him, but he determines that he wants only Eve, understanding that they were “one flesh.” 

After both Adam and Eve eat of the forbidden fruit, their first action is to have sex – to partake in the action which epitomizes their union as one flesh.  Adam had feared being alone forever, so he eats of the fruit offered by Eve, thus ensuring their eternal union and then he immediately requests that they “play” due to his intense lusting (Book 9, 1027-1033).  While Lewis’ interpretation of these lines are a mark of the fall,[1] it can also be seen as telling of Adam’s motivation.  He wants to remain “one flesh” with Eve and so he executes two actions.  First, he eats of the fruit, ensuring that they will not be separated by death.  Second, he leads her to have “their fill of love and love’s disport” until they are “wearied with their am’rous play” (Milton, Book 9, 1042, 1045).

Adam’s fear of renewed solitude outweighs his fear of any other consequence.  This includes both death and separation from God.  Adam had God’s presence prior to Eve’s creation, yet he still had an awareness of a keen need which was not fulfilled by God’s presence[2].  This need was fulfilled by Eve, therefore Adam chooses Eve and the fulfillment which he derives from her presence over Paradise.  Adam’s sin is, then, rooted in his creation: he has a need for companionship and chooses to fulfill that need when he eats of the fruit of the tree of knowledge of good and evil.

---

[1] The distinction between Adam and Eve’s sexual interaction before the fall in comparison with their sexual interaction after the eating of the fruit is indeed notable, though Waldock argues against this distinction being as notable as Lewis or I give Milton credit.

[2] It is important to note that this need was not necessarily sex; it is not explicitly defined as such by Milton.  Additionally, from a Biblical perspective, it is important to note that God does not fault Adam for desiring companionship.  Contrastly, God affirms this desire by stating “it is not good for man to be alone.”  Therefore, it can be inferred that there was something about God’s relationship to Adam on earth which was unsatisfying and was meant to be unsatisfying.

More Thoughts to Ponder

In a recent post I posed a question raised by my reading of Milton's Paradise Lost.  In essence, the question was: why would Adam choose Eve over God?  (For a full disclosure of the dilemma, read the post).

Here are further thoughts which lead towards a potential solution to this problem:

In Book 9 of Paradise Lost we discover Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden on the morning of the renowned fall.  Eve asks leave of Adam and a conversation ensues.  In this conversation we hear Adam at variance with the notion that Eve be separated from him.  The reasons he presents are clear: Eve is not strong enough to withstand the foe without his assistance and security.  Eve is indignant at the suggestion that she is, while alone, unable to resist temptation.  Thus, Adam’s reasoning simply serves to fortify Eve’s resolve. 

                

The motives for Adam’s fear of separation seem to stem from his desire that he not be left alone.  It is significant that Adam never expresses his own susceptibility to temptation in his discussion with Eve.  If Eve is liable to temptation while she is alone, why is Adam not similarly vulnerable?  I believe this idea of Eve’s susceptibility being greater than Adam’s vulnerability is supported textually by Milton.  As Milton depicts Satan’s monologue of viewing the garden and the first man and wife within the garden, Satan is excited not by seeing Adam alone, but in seeing Eve by herself. 

               

One way to view this move is simple and straight forward: As Satan wanders within the garden, he first sees Eve.  In seeing Eve, he sees a vulnerable human (regardless of name, personality, or gender) and makes his move.  Eve is susceptible enough that Satan does not need to look for any other options of vulnerability (namely, Adam).  He has one door open and has no need to seek additional open doors.  Another way to view this move is to see a greater vulnerability in Eve than that which exists within the character of Adam.  This would be supported by Adam’s lack of mentioning his own frailty. 

DIFFERING VIEWS OF SOLITUDE

                 

Background to Book 9 reveals to us two very different experiences of solitude.  On the one hand, we have Adam experiencing solitude prior to the creation of Eve.  His solitude leaves him feeling highly dissatisfied.  After naming the beasts, he expresses his disappointment to God: “In solitude what happiness, who can enjoy alone?” (Milton, Book 8, 364-365).  Despite the happiness available to him, Adam clearly states that he does not believe that he can enjoy Paradise without a companion with which to enjoy Paradise with.  As Mary Beth Long points out, “Adam’s first use of the term ‘solitude’ is to indicate a lack” (Long, 3).  In this, it seems that Adam notices a lack and determines that this lack is caused by his being alone.  God responds to Adam’s complaint by demonstrating that happiness is available to Adam; Adam is simply refusing experience this pleasure until he has a companion (Milton, Book 8, 399-402).

                 

Although God seems to find a fault in Adam’s stubbornness in these lines, he still recognizes Adam’s request for a mate as something that is good[1].  As a response, God creates Eve.  Since Eve’s creation is a solution to Adam’s solitude, Eve’s purpose for existence (in Adam’s mind) becomes the relief of Adam’s forced loneliness (Long, 4).  Therefore, when Eve desires to leave, Adam is once again experiencing an involuntary solitude.  So, in Adam’s mind Eve is forsaking her God-given purpose for existence.

                 

Adam’s past experiences of solitude were negative.  Adam does not have any positive connotations to solitude from his own experiences.  With this perspective, it can be understood how Adam is unable to imagine that Eve would willingly desire solitude.  In Adam’s understanding the idea of contentment and solitude are as oil and water. 

                 

In contrast, Eve’s experience of solitude was cut short.  She hears a voice call to her, and in responding her solitude comes to an end.  In this, we can infer that Eve did not have a chance to experience enough solitude to see the loneliness of it.  Perhaps she would be on the same page as Adam if she had simply had more time in solitude prior to her introduction to Adam.  Instead, she does not sense a need for a companion prior to her receiving companionship. 

                

 Despite Eve’s eager and determined attitude toward separation from Adam in this scene, it can still be noted that her desire for solitude is as a temporary status.  Her suggestion to Adam that they work independently of one another is simply for one morning and she anticipates reuniting at noon (Milton, Book 9, 219).  Eve’s desire for solitude also seems to be self-focused.  Her self-focus is first seen in Book 4 (lines 449-471) as Eve sees a reflection of herself and seems content to gaze at her own beauty until she is distracted by “a Voice [which] warned” her (467).  Her self-focus is emphasized in this dialogue[2] as Eve expresses her determination to work with the rose bushes.  Contrastly[3], Eve does not express any care over Adam’s location or occupation for the morning.  She encourages Adam to go “where choice leads” him, and never asks him where he is going or what he will be doing (Milton, Book 9, 205f). 

                

Throughout their dialogue, “Adam manages to avoid admitting his unwillingness to let Eve work alone (and to be alone himself) by reminding Eve that Satan is on the loose” (Long, 8).  Perhaps Adam’s self-assurance is genuine and he truly feels that, by himself, he is strong enough to stand against the Fiend’s attack.  Or perhaps it his sense of obligation in protecting Eve which causes him to fear for her vulnerability without considering that he may be likewise susceptible. 

---

[1] Long explains this in describing that God has a different view of solitude and, once Adam grasps an understanding of different perspectives of solitude, God provides Adam with a reward: Eve.  Alternately, we can see that God clearly states that “it is not good for man to be alone” in the Biblical account of Genesis (although, at the end of creating every other thing God stated “it is good”).  While we should not confuse Milton’s depiction with the Genesis narration, the Genesis narration serves as a groundwork for Milton’s depiction and, therefore, we can see simply something that Milton expresses with detail and vividness.

[2] Book 9, 204-411

[3] This is a Deanna-ism meaning “in contrast”

Prayer, please!

I have to begin this blog by admitting my own failure.  In beginning to send out a request for prayer, I realized that I have not been praying myself.  So here I am, not asking simply for you to pray for me, but instead asking you to join me in praying...

This weekend has been extremely difficult physically.  I rarely experience this much piercing pain, and the pain is nearly constant.  Tingling is pretty normal and I am typically able to do self-therapy to improve that.  However, this weekend the pain is everywhere from my neck down, on both sides, and the tingling is hard to relieve.  On top of that, I have taken so much medicine that I am also struggling with feeling nauseous. 

My appointment with the surgeon is on Tuesday.  Pray that my pain does not hinder my ability to think clearly.  And pray that the surgeon is given wisdom regarding my situation and we can determine if surgery is truly a good option.

I must admit, I hate asking for prayer for my pain.  I look back on what I've just written and I feel as if I'm expressing a pity-party.  Where is the hope?  Where is the optimism?  My hope is in God.  He will be my strength. 

The story of the 2nd half

Really, there are two stories. 

One, USC defense.  They came out on fire.  They dominated the 3rd quarter.  They boosted the energy in the coliseum and invigorated their offense.  And they held the Irish back for the 3rd... then they held the Irish back for 10 minutes in the 4th.  Interceptions were the highlight, but only a small part of the story.  The defense just plain shined.

Two, play calling.  But this is hardly a story.  It is rather a theme for the entire season.  Kiffin continues to make questionable and strange play calls.  I mean, come on... he called the exact same play 4 downs in a row, and it took all 4 downs to punch it into the end zone from the 9-yard line.  Granted, the calls had some improvement in the 4th.  But, as good as the defense was playing, the USC points should have been much higher than 16 when the Irish finally scored with less than 3 minutes remaining on the clock. 

Should have been, but they weren't.

So when the Irish finally got things together, they didn't have far to go.  And one interception for the Irish defense was all they needed.

God Knows

One day last year I spent a day fasting and praying about a situation I was facing.  I learned a lot during the 24-hours that I spent in prayer and fasting.  It was going to be a busy day for me, but I knew that I needed to stop and spend a day seeking the Lord so I spent the time I would have been eating and making my meals in the prayer chapel at my school, praying instead.   

I had already prayed about the situation, but what I hadn’t done was stop. Telling God about my problems is only one half of what should be a two-way conversation.  So, I spent that Wednesday listening.   

Skipping the time I normally spend making my breakfast, I drove to school early and went into the prayer chapel for a few minutes before heading to work.  I unloaded with the same prayers I had been praying.  I boldly pleading with the Lord, asking Him to provide the answer I wanted just like the crowds of people who came to Jesus and boldly asked for physical healing.

After work, I rushed to class like I do every Wednesday.  But instead of spending the following hour and a half hanging out with friends and enjoying lunch, I again headed to the prayer chapel. 

An hour or more of dedicated prayer time is always a great experience for me.  I am always reminded to let my words be few.  I can begin with a laundry list of things I want to tell the Lord about, but I quickly remember an important thing that is easily forgotten:  God already knows.  He already knows all of my inmost needs and desires.  When I spend a long time in prayer, I’m reminded of that. 

Soon, I shut up.  I remember what King Solomon said, “Do not be quick with your mouth, do not be hasty in your heart to utter anything before God.  God is in heaven and you are on earth, so let your words be few” (Ecclesiastes 5:2). 

God is in heaven and I am on earth.  This reminds me of the overwhelming truth that my view is limited, while God’s view is infinite.  He sees the storm while I see one drop of rain.  He is sovereign. 

Part of my time in prayer that day I opened up my Bible and was reminded of the gentile woman who came and asked Jesus for healing for her daughter.  Jesus' response seems cruel as He tells her “I was sent only to the lost sheep of Israel… It is not good to take the children’s bread and throw it to the dogs” (Matthew 15: 24, 26). 

Amazingly, this Canaanite woman understands what Jesus is saying and does not take offense at this statement (I think I would have!).  She responds by saying, “Yes, Lord; but even the dogs feed on the crumbs which fall from their master’s table” (Matthew 15:27).  Even a crumb from the Lord is a treasured gift, great enough to heal this woman’s daughter. 

I was also reminded of other words Jesus spoke.  “What man is there among you, when his son asks for a loaf, will give him a stone?  Or if he asks for a fish, he will not give him a snake, will he?  If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him!” (Matthew 7:9-11)

God has only good gifts to give me when I ask Him.  But sometimes the things which I think are good are not really best for me.  As a good Father, He wants to only give me the best.  And in His sovereignty, He knows what is best for me – even when I think something else might be better.  I am reminded to ask – and sometimes to ask boldly.  But also to lay down my will, just like Christ in the garden before His betrayal.   

God knows what’s in my heart.  He also knows how best to satisfy those longings and desires.

I didn’t get any answers that day.  In a way, I’m still waiting for an answer.  But I gained so much peace from reminding myself that God is sovereign, that God knows, and that God knows what’s best for me.